“What Your coffee order says about You”
We need a complete break down. The best way to start is with sizes. Then of course the drinks.
Small beverage: Ordering anything from 8oz. -10oz. says that You are a person of routine. You have alot of control and have great time managment. Your only downfall maybe be You dont let people in and run the risk of appearing cheap/frugal among your peers.
Medium Beverage:This would be 12oz. This drink size shows alot about You. Mostly it says You are normal. You put your keys where you can find them the next morning. You always take your shoes off at the front door. You do laundry every weekend. There is always enough money in your emergency account. Half the time You order these medium drinks…you also get a lil sump’n to eat and linger in the cafe nibbling and always allow yourself enough time to get to work/school.
Large Beverage: These drinks tend to be 16-20 oz. depending on cafe. These drinks tend to be set in 2 catagories. The first and easy breakdown is the tall group. They are usually over 6 feet tall with a belly. Not a gross Al Roker belly, but a belly that shows they enjoy good food and good drink. They tend to have fair features and honest smiles. The other large coffee order’ shorter than 6 feet tends to be always on the go. Most of the time late. They almost never finish their drink and usually forget it at the counter or drop it in route.These people never eat anything due to the copius amounts of caffine constricting their bowels. On weekends they tend to clean out dozens of coffee cups from the back of their car. With all this said, Both of these large drinkers tend to be the best tippers and always know whats going on. They see the best shows, eat at all the great joints and have the best Chronic.
Iced drinks: If You find Yourself ordering an iced drink…it must be hot outside!!! Or You live in Texas or Florida…(if You do live in these places…there is still time to get out) If You dont live in these places and the sun isnt out You maybe have a drinking problem. Your body is trying to hydrate from a night of binge drinking. Small to medium ice drinks shows a barista You really like the Red Wine….anything over that size shows You love the the HARD A. If You also ask for an ice water while your drink is being made…You need to find the closest AA support group or try to marry a Kennedy.
Latte: Sane-hardworking-enjoys work and play-has a 5 years plan-generous-eats healthy-doesnt sweat the details-loves small gifts. Very hard to pin down to dates and times. They tend to need alot of “Me time” These people are always on time and have a napkin tucked somewhere. They never complain and always throw out a compliment..even if they dont mean it. These folks are pure to themselves and always leave a place the way they found it. “These types tend to be the Owl of the cafe…peppered around the cafe on a laptop…with a few phone calls taken outside”
Mocha: Kid at heart-has a serious party streak-enjoys working with hands-secretly in love with the blue collar lifestyle-likes malls and American Pie type movies- watches extreme sports-doesnt work out and likes it that way-tends to like heavy red wines- usually enjoys tobacco in some form. If You throw a party make sure You envite a bunch of these guys. You may have to sport them a few bucks now and then…but if You need an oil change or ride to the airport…Youre set. “these types tend to be the MeerKat in the middle of the cafe people watching behind a newspaper or magazine”
Cappucino: These drinks are for people of leisure. They tend to wake up late and wander aimlessly thru their day. They have voracious hunger pains and are small in stature. They enjoy the sidelines when it comes to a party atmosphere. They are wonderful, loyal friends. They give the best gifts and will most likely retire early with a ton of stashed cash. If You are lucky enough to know one, get some financial advise. These people also make great therapists. Their only drawback is an insane motor skill overload. They tend to twirl pencils/pens and GnAw on straws/stir sticks. “These people tend to be the white mink curled up in the corner of the cafe reading.”
Chai:These folks are timeless. They carry a European flair with them at all times.(often mistaken for gay/lesbian) They have an eye for making the hippi look “Hip.” They are very critical of perfection. They only eat the best food and have no problem telling the truth. They are fine tuned machines for results. They are drawn to the arts, however put a paycheck above all else. They spend their life searching for great things, out of fear of being ordinary. They are always 10 steps ahead of the rest but never really feel caught up. They are the best cooks and really enjoy taking care of people in their own homes. They always bring lil’ gifts that come from the heart and never expect anything in return. You can see these people at parties usually sober with a small crowd around them listening to their deep outlook on life. “Chai drinkers tend to be the Peacock in the cafe”
Drip coffee: If you are one of these folks, you are a real together person….tons of integrity and cant get bogged down with lil’ shit. You wake up and take on the world. You make a plan and stick to it. You are the master of making lists. All your friends would be lost w/o Your sage advice. The truth of the matter/you, is that You really dont give a shit unless it is life threatening…Cuz You value every second. You actually dont enjoy cafes and all that they represent. You usually order to go and are happy with Your coffee and car radio or ipod walking to work. This independant behavior makes You very sexy, yet very unapproachable. Maybe its time to sit outside the cafe with the lid off…giving Your drip time to cool, and for others to see Your organic human side. “These drip drinkers are the cafe HummingBird…..They come and go so fast, they cant even say goodbye.”
Americano: This is very tricky….this drink is almost the same as a drip and the calls should be the same right? Wrong girlfriend!!!!! (I know …I was shocked…like Katie Holmes) Though these drinks appear to be brother brews…the method in which they are made says it all…..Americano’s have honey golden crema and take some work to make..like their owners…not like regular drip coffee. This honey and gold bullshit is quite a production. An americano drinker is alot of things. Mainly they are on the fast track. They know what they like and want it now. They dont mess around with fads and pop culture. They earned their honey and golden bullshit while waiting in line while some soccer mom orders a 120 degree decaf MochaMisto. Americano drinkers will hang out all day and never look up from a laptop or journal. These folks are perfect in their minds…however really want what all of Us want. (Britney pregnant again…and the war to be over) These cafe magicians are always on a laptop…and reading an alternative weekly. “they are the Black Jaguars of the cafe”
Cafe Breve’ : This is the nastiest drink ever made up by the Corp Giants. If You order these things You wont be around for long. Commonly know as the Palastinian BackPack..a Breve is all Cream with 2 shots. These people are very rare and stand around holding this drink like a child with a SnoCone. It makes absolutely no sense and isnt worth writing about. But I will say this…a Breve drinker is very easy to recognize. “They are the Huge Pink Elephant in the middle of the Cafe”
Cafe Misto: This drink is just Stupid….Blah Blah Blah…Super easy to spot this person
Boy: Boat shoes and a Starbucks gift card in hand
Girl: Knock off Prada everything, and Chunky Highlights
Decaf: This covers any decaf order. There are only 3 people Who drink these beverages: People with medical conditions, Peeps over the age of 55 and Assholes. (The first 2 are completely covered under the Gayzel Protection Act as of 8pm this evening) Now the 3rd group…Honestly Guys…Just order a hot tea or ice water…Do You wonder Why decaf always costs more?…its not the beans, …Actually most decaf drinkers are single and have trouble meeting others. They are very brave and try to break into the scene via cafes. Props to them ..(They always love the coffee and bring in a ton of Biz. They buy heaps of pastries and smoke alot of weed.)..and their bored lil lonley selves…Dacaf’s or (why bothers)..are always the loudest, wide eyed people in the cafe…”they are the geckos of the cafe…crawling all over er’thang”
Hot Chocolate: If You drink this You are, an 8 year old…and what the Hell You know anyways?
Hot Teas: (please see the Decaf breakdown above ..Start drinking Chai…Jesus will be a better listener if You switch. : )
Italian Sodas: If You drink these and are over the age of 18 You will be on DateLine Predator This Friday Night. (Nuff Said …No DIGGITY!)
I hope this has been helpful. I know alot of You dont realize the truth about Your drink…however its true….The Bishop I slept with this weekend is a total Mocha and He agrees….now if You cant trust the Church and Me…Who can You trust? Huh?….So take pride in what You order and own Your Shit …even if You order Decaf or hot tea……(and If you order an Herbal Tea…I will ask the Bishop to pray for You.)…..I have had a few of You asking what I drink…Well ta-da…not that major….I drink Mocha er’ morning and a chai at work. (I am a Meerkat and Peacock…or in short I am Kat-Pea)
Much from Seattle, KatPea
Hope this helps you bitchez order your next drink….See You at the counter!! Gayzel