BensonWhores

My name is Fergi Lurarri..AKA Ferrari…Italian and French…by heritage…but Brooklyn by way of the Feds…and I live in this shithole cuz my folks are try’n ta fit in. Dad is a Butcher like er’other Italian and Mom works at Macy’s like every other Frenchi try’n to cover up her hairy pitts. We just moved here a year ago and I enrolled at the local high school and met these 4 D. St bitches. All four are decidedly different, however they each, in their own way re-define Daygo-Hoe..even those 2 skinny Jew wannabe’s. High School is owned by the likes of these life size Brat Dolls and I cant wait to return these 4 items back to the Wal-Mart toy section.

Jizzelle Schwartz…AKA…Jizz Wart…Rumor on the street is she is hot for the gym coach Tyrone KraqueHaus and has a thing for cheap Claires Boutique jewelery. 2 things wrong with this. Her parents would shit a gold loaf of Challah if she ever wore cheap knock off or dated a black guy. My job is to take her ass down and get her home schooled… so that in 9 months… her and the coach can move up above Bay Ridge Omonias, were he can wait tables and she can push Feta everything for those dirty greeks. I thinks after prego time all that ashy brown hair may return and she’ll have to beg Ferrari for some Feria…or a nice Gaga Wig.

Which brings me to my next reckon….I may have to Challah’ back at the other Jew in my side-that Rooski-Kosher Mess Wachel Westin, heir to Westin Hotels…Her Penchant for the dark meat has DateLine NBC to follow her to various Home Depots and Lowes parking lots and picking up Mexicans for “yard work” (and but not limited to back-door) I know for a fact that she cant get enough of Tel’Mundo and owns a Taco Bell dog. I have to admit the dog is cute…however…I hate the Christina show….so it was a wash with Wachel…until I found out she was dating the kitchen custodians…the Leman Brothers. Its going down worse than the stock market

Next on my list of High school princess dipshits is Gabina Asso….AKA Gas-Hole…Little does she know our house in the Hamptons has a faulty gas fireplace and air conditioning all with receipts to the Asso Family. However this isnt my ace in the AssoHole….I have first hand knowledge from my cousin Gia JewDice….that her high school sweetheart  “tricky stick Nate” is seeing Snooki. So if my cannoli melts this summer in the Hamptons…you’ll know why GasHole didnt make it to the Jersey Shore.

Now for the ring leader of these New York Debs. Salvina FoFina…daughter of Bonina and Banana FoFina….She grew up with all these Daygo/Wap/Guine/Olive Oil-Spumoni/Canal St./Bodega pre-madonnas…I have a special take down for her….I know for a fact she can be found at Dean & DeLuca every friday shopping for tiramisu crap and a case of Orangina. I am gonna be there and ask her and her 3 stooges to my sweet 16 at the Ultra Chic Del Rio Lounge. Rumor has it Al Capone used the mens room there and then asked for directions to 30 Rock.

Flash forward after a few calls and some bullshit meetings with these bitches during geometry and home ec. and now its a week before my birthday party at the Del Rio. I am hang’n at the famous sushi rat trap Tenzen like the rest of the BensonHo’s til these 4 trix on stix walk in chewing juicy fruit and clutching knock off Prada. I quickly snatch a Village Voice and raise it eye level and prentend to know how to read…(there are alot of color ads for fag bars-so I look hella incognito)…the place is packed and they head in my direction…I raise the weekly higher into my hair sprayed claw bangs for more anonimity and watch as they sit at the counter just a few feet away. Thank gawd they have skreeching Brooklyn accents….I heard everyword.

JizzWart was asking if anyone else had been with a black guy or ever worn mall jewelry or had a craving for pickels and vanillabean…..all the girls looked at her like she was Sarah Palin and promptly ordered some Lamborghini EggRolls.

Wachel quickly grabbed her Canal St. saddlebag and whipped out a bottle of Salsa and asked if anyone spoke spanish. Gasshole spoke spanish however she was busy texting Nate while asking Sal if she knew Snooki. Jizz-GasHole-Wachel and Sal were all 2 things :completly unaware I was hiding my face in the Tranny Ads and numero Duce’o…that they are all dumb as a sack of shit on fire in front of Cipprianis. I get up from my booth and walk over and say a brief hello. Gasshole smiles over her airconditioning for dummies softback…Wachel is trying to find a healthy way to drink vodka and eat some whitefish chubs …and Jizz is just trying to maintain eating for 2….Sal is rifleing thru a giant Dean @ DeLuca grocery bag….these chix were really OUT TO LUNCH…I slammed my purse on their table to wake’m up and politely said “morning ladies”…Jizz mutters hello over a bite of a spider roll..Sal’s entire face is in the grocery bag by this point and lets out a muffeled hello…Gasshole and Wachel were both pricing EPT and Monistat on their IPhones….to busy to look up….I turn to drop some Ghetto Knowledge on these bitches and thats where it all became a blur…I woke up in Bellevue and spent the next 18 years there…since then the world has changed….there are phones you can take pictures and stir soup  with and very expensive coffee on everycorner with free puppies and this computer thing where you can go surfing or jet skiing or something…anyways….when I got out…it was nice to know BK was the same…Jizz and Wachel hooked up with the Jersey Manzo boys and both have twins…Jizz boys…Wache…a boy and girl…Gabbi is a fulltime Nanny to the Manzo’s and gets to see her gurls all the time..and is currently carrying a duet of her own…but the Papi is a Gorga….any guesses?….I hope its Trees sexy hairy assed bro……and as for the biggest Daygo-Ho…Rumor has it…she has set Seattle on fire and is in route on I-5 headed south to Frisco to open a brothel for Sexy New York Cougars……(she just MySpaced Me)…..I am gonna sell all my Atari stock and buy the Jizz, Wache, Gabbz..and Myself Vag-Plasties….all one way tickets to San Fran to work Sal…(for her Grand opening) Come join us at” Banana’ fanna- fa’ Phussy”

“What Your coffee order says about You”

We need a complete break down. The best way to start is with sizes. Then of course the drinks.

 

Small beverage: Ordering anything from 8oz. -10oz. says that You are a person of routine. You have alot of control and have great time managment. Your only downfall maybe be You dont let people in and run the risk of appearing cheap/frugal among your peers.

Medium Beverage:This would be 12oz. This drink size shows alot about You. Mostly it says You are normal. You put your keys where you can find them the next morning. You always take your shoes off at the front door. You do laundry every weekend. There is always enough money in your emergency account. Half the time You order these medium drinks…you also get a lil sump’n to eat and linger in the cafe nibbling and always allow yourself enough time to get to work/school.

Large Beverage: These drinks tend to be 16-20 oz. depending on cafe. These drinks tend to be set in 2 catagories. The first and easy breakdown is the tall  group. They are usually over 6 feet tall with a belly. Not a gross Al Roker belly, but a belly that shows they enjoy good food and good drink. They tend to have fair features and honest smiles. The other large coffee order’ shorter than 6 feet tends to be always on the go. Most of the time late. They almost never finish their drink and usually forget it at the counter or drop it in route.These people never eat anything due to the copius amounts of caffine constricting their bowels. On weekends they tend to clean out dozens of coffee cups from the back of their car. With all this said, Both of these large drinkers tend to be the best tippers and always know whats going on. They see the best shows, eat at all the great joints and have the best Chronic.

Iced drinks: If You find Yourself ordering an iced drink…it must be hot outside!!! Or You live in Texas or Florida…(if You do live in these places…there is still time to get out) If You dont live in these places and the sun isnt out You maybe have a drinking problem. Your body is trying to hydrate from a night of binge drinking. Small to medium ice drinks shows a barista You really like the Red Wine….anything over that size shows You love the the HARD A. If You also ask for an ice water while your drink is being made…You need to find the closest AA support group or try to marry a Kennedy.

Latte: Sane-hardworking-enjoys work and play-has a 5 years plan-generous-eats healthy-doesnt sweat the details-loves small gifts. Very hard to pin down to dates and times. They tend to need alot of “Me time” These people are always on time and have a napkin tucked somewhere. They never complain and always throw out a compliment..even if they dont mean it. These folks are pure to themselves and always leave a place the way they found it. “These types tend to be the Owl of the cafe…peppered around the cafe on a laptop…with a few phone calls taken outside”

Mocha: Kid at heart-has a serious party streak-enjoys working with hands-secretly in love with the blue collar lifestyle-likes malls and American Pie type movies- watches extreme sports-doesnt work out and likes it that way-tends to like heavy red wines- usually enjoys tobacco in some form. If You throw a party make sure You envite a bunch of these guys. You may have to sport them a few bucks now and then…but if You need an oil change or ride to the airport…Youre set. “these types tend to be the MeerKat in the middle of the cafe people watching behind a newspaper or magazine”

Cappucino: These drinks are for people of leisure. They tend to wake up late and wander aimlessly thru their day. They have voracious hunger pains and are small in stature. They enjoy the sidelines when it comes to a party atmosphere. They are wonderful, loyal friends. They give the best gifts and will most likely retire early with a ton of stashed cash. If You are lucky enough to know one, get some financial advise. These people also make great therapists. Their only drawback is an insane motor skill overload. They tend to twirl pencils/pens and GnAw on straws/stir sticks. “These people tend to be the white mink curled up in the corner of the cafe reading.”

Chai:These folks are timeless. They carry a European flair with them at all times.(often  mistaken for gay/lesbian) They have an eye for making the hippi look “Hip.” They are very critical of perfection. They only eat the best food and have no problem telling the truth. They are fine tuned machines for results. They are drawn to the arts, however put a paycheck above all else. They spend their life searching for great things, out of fear of being ordinary. They are always 10 steps ahead of the rest but never really feel caught up. They are the best cooks and really enjoy taking care of people in their own homes. They always bring lil’ gifts that come from the heart and never expect anything in return. You can see these people at parties usually sober with a small crowd around them listening to their deep outlook on life. “Chai drinkers tend to be the Peacock in the cafe”

Drip coffee: If you are one of these folks, you are a real together person….tons of integrity and cant get bogged down with lil’ shit. You wake up and take on the world. You make a plan and stick to it. You are the master of making lists.  All your friends would be lost w/o Your sage advice. The truth of the matter/you, is that You really dont give a shit unless it is life threatening…Cuz You value every second. You actually dont enjoy cafes and all that they represent. You usually order to go and are happy with Your coffee and car radio or ipod walking to work. This independant behavior makes You very sexy, yet very unapproachable. Maybe its time to sit outside the cafe with the lid off…giving Your drip time to cool, and for others to see Your organic human side. “These drip drinkers are the cafe HummingBird…..They come and go so fast, they cant even say goodbye.”

Americano: This is very tricky….this drink is almost the same as a drip and the calls should be the same right? Wrong girlfriend!!!!!  (I know …I was shocked…like Katie Holmes) Though these drinks appear to be brother brews…the method in which they are made says it all…..Americano’s have honey golden crema and take some work to make..like their owners…not like regular drip coffee. This honey and gold bullshit is quite a production. An americano drinker is alot of things. Mainly they are on the fast track. They know what they like and want it now. They dont mess around with fads and pop culture. They earned their honey and golden bullshit while waiting in line while some soccer mom orders a 120 degree decaf MochaMisto. Americano drinkers will hang out all day and never look up from a laptop or journal. These folks are perfect in their minds…however really want what all of Us want. (Britney pregnant again…and the war to be over) These cafe magicians are always on a laptop…and reading an alternative weekly. “they are the Black Jaguars of the cafe”

Cafe Breve’ : This is the nastiest drink ever made up by the Corp Giants. If You order these things You wont be around for long. Commonly know as the Palastinian BackPack..a Breve is all Cream with 2 shots. These people are very rare and stand around holding this drink like a child with a SnoCone. It makes absolutely no sense and isnt worth writing about. But I will say this…a Breve drinker is very easy to recognize. “They are the Huge Pink Elephant in the middle of the Cafe”

Cafe Misto: This drink is just Stupid….Blah Blah Blah…Super easy to spot this person

Boy: Boat shoes and a Starbucks gift card in hand

Girl: Knock off Prada everything, and Chunky Highlights

Decaf: This covers any decaf order. There are only 3 people Who drink these beverages: People with medical conditions, Peeps over the age of 55 and Assholes. (The first 2 are completely covered under the Gayzel Protection Act as of 8pm this evening) Now the 3rd group…Honestly Guys…Just order a hot tea or ice water…Do You wonder Why decaf always costs more?…its not the beans, …Actually most decaf drinkers are single and have trouble meeting others. They  are very brave and try to break into the scene via cafes. Props to them ..(They always love the coffee and bring in a ton of Biz. They buy heaps of pastries and smoke alot of weed.)..and their bored lil lonley selves…Dacaf’s or (why bothers)..are always the loudest, wide eyed people in the cafe…”they are the geckos of the cafe…crawling all over er’thang”

Hot Chocolate: If You drink this You are, an 8 year old…and what the Hell You know anyways?

Hot Teas: (please see the Decaf breakdown above ..Start drinking Chai…Jesus will be a better listener if You switch. : )

Italian Sodas: If You drink these and are over the age of 18 You will be on DateLine Predator This Friday Night. (Nuff Said …No DIGGITY!)

I hope this has been helpful. I know alot of You dont realize the truth about Your drink…however its true….The Bishop I slept with this weekend is a total Mocha and He agrees….now if You cant trust the Church and Me…Who can You trust? Huh?….So take pride in what You order and own Your Shit …even if You order Decaf or hot tea……(and If you order an Herbal Tea…I will ask the Bishop to pray for You.)…..I have had a few of You asking what I drink…Well ta-da…not that major….I drink Mocha er’ morning and a chai at work. (I am a Meerkat and Peacock…or in short I am Kat-Pea)

Much from Seattle, KatPea

Hope this helps you bitchez order your next drink….See You at the counter!! Gayzel

Obama Debate Winner!!!!

~Well I missed it due to a long standing date with a (just got back from Iraq …….and its Bad) Marine….”dont ask dont tell right?” …From all that I have heard across the Coffee Counter (mainly Demo Townies, and Sexy Salon Chicks with Dicks)…The old white guy (PWO….Cant be that good of a Maverick if He got caught huh?) seemed to be raptured in some out of body/arm waving abduction (like the Lost in Space robot)….Others this morning described MacOldie as walking around the forum like Mr TudBall from the Carol Burnett show (way B/4 My time …I am 23 and a Gemini)….I actually got a text from Shaneekwa asking if the old man wears a Diaper…(How old is He)..of Course not!!! (yet)…..There were lots of other critics sitting here in coffee hell talking about how outta touch Mr. M seemed….. and was falling on His (Rich-pastey) Face answering questions….I guess He was supposed to rock the Town Hall meeting….But Obama went in for the CockBlock….So after the Tudball dance and some unsavory comment about “That One”….(I looked into His eyes and saw 3 letters…. KKK)… Old Man had to hit the bricks…..Many were shocked that He didnt hang to shake hands ….I guess thats why Obama is in the Lead now…..Who gives a Rip really….the sooner this economy recovers the sooner I can run to the new H and M or even better get a Tramp Stamp at Lucy Devil Tattoo from Sexy ass DErick ERick…..Actually alot of People give a shit….Thats why MacOldy wears a diaper now….Ha Ha….o… No!….So to really take a look at all this…..I guess I can vote for Obama….He does speak to the Middle class and talks about health care….and I went black and-came back….maybe its time for seconds….His Wife is all kindsa strong black woman, and I like that….Not like Oprah….but more like Tyra, Scray Spice or Lil Kim…..and the other 2 old peeps look like an Albino project from Beverly Hills……Marilyn Manson and Mr M. have the same base and powder combination but very off lipstick choices…..No  joke They both could be Vampires……with all this said…..I am sure the right thing will happen and our Economy  will recover and War will be over…I just have to keep in mind to stash a lil away or void credit card transactions at work or do some identity theft on My Boss Samiir or His Preggo Russian Shemale (Shaneekwa)….I should to listen to the old man Mr. M….and conserve on a local level…This means running coffee grounds twice to save on beans….I will also have to  stop mopping the floors…to save My boss on His water bill  thingy……(Jesus loves a Saver)….I should probably not give Seniors or Students discounts anymore…..(small Blk Coffees….or as Mr. M says “that one!)…since Mr Old Man thinks Americans should spend more now to get the $ moving….I will most DEF. be frothing up milk so fluffy that a 16oz latte has 4 ounces of milk…..That all… only helps Samiir and This shitty cafe…and not really My pocket…..Maybe I will take a hint from Congress and Wallstreet..(institute the Gayzel Bailout Package)…I could save on paper goods of the Dookie variety by borrowing TP into My backpack….I could also hit up dry storage and nick a few cans of Veggies and wipe out the walk in later for some ToFurkey..(Them Shitz is Bomb!)…I could also head out to  Goodwill and find Nordstrom oxfords….and return Them to the DownTown Nordies…..(this actually works people)….That should yeild some str8 up cash..and store credit…Then I can take a # 406 Bus to the H and M and get those tight shirts for The Cuff Sexy Party this month….Yeah this will work until this budget thingy is fixed….I guess I could ask My folks….but I think They are still waiting for a Stimulous check….Today I will have to begin My own bail out package with putting a Diahretic into Shaneekwa’s Chai and send Her Drippy Ass home and Keep all the tips for Meself….After the Lunch rush…Samiir will run to the bank and I will say We need a roll of Quarters..(I’ll swipe out a $20 outta the deposite bag)..and Will keep the extra $10 for My shopping trip….Then When He comes back the evening barista will be here ( Making a Huge mess of er’thing….Honestly Jeremy I wish EVERYDAY  You’d get hit by a Metro on the way to work… You Big Dip Shit…)and I will Be on My vespa peac’n out….I am guessing this is pretty much How WallStreet did it….and They seem really happy now….So anyways Here comes Lunch and I gotta get all slutty with the Tabasco and Sandwiches….Please use any of My money saving tips and tell a Friend…..Change is Now I guess or You can just put it away for Jonas Bros tickets…..either way You’ll Be a Great Consuming American. Later Taters….Gayzel

Top 20 things White People like: (and 1 extra)

The Cafe Survey is in and This is the Gospel according the the Gayzel:

The For’mentioned will be’ WP’ for White People

#20- Patagonia Jackets….White people go ” b, a, n, a, n, a, s” for These shits…a typical white person closet has atleast one of these….some polo shirts and a NorthFace fleece….and some left over Tommy Gear.

#19- Extreme Doritos….Actually any type of food with Extreme in the name makes WP reach for their wallet. Most of the time its at the local AM/PM in route to a Dave Mathews concert. They also like to couple these up with 60oz. sodas and Twizzlers.

#18- Shower gadgets….They love to sing,  shave, and brush Their hair and other things while getting all soapy…They have altleast 1 Mondo shower caddy hanging from the Shower Head and another one over the curtain rod….They like to collect shampoo bottles and old razors on the far corner of the tub…The invention of the CD shower mirror has made White People pay enormous water bills…. and  late for work.

#17- Asian Girls….White guys want Them(Woody Allen) and White girls wanna be Them….Just look at Gwen Stefani….I rest My case. (Nuff said No diggity) Plus Asian dudes….if You have any UGLY Asian girls…send Them over here….We’ll take’m!!

#16- Movies with Adam Sandler….White people feel safe watching Comedy with odd looking Celebs….Adam is the main one…but other ones tend to make the same movie over and over again with the same old boring premise…WP are drawn/but not limited to : Ben Stiller-David Schwimmer-The Rock-and various Gay’s like Tom Cruise and John Travolta and Oprah.

#15-Food courts….This one is very common and is a social gathering place. They get very tired from long walks to the car and Claires Boutique……. and use this area to let the kids go crazy….organize reciepts…. and purchase pizza by the slice. There is a sense of community  and self respect as They All search for a table holding Their Orange Food Trays

#14- County Fairs…..WP like to be in mass numbers consuming lots of hot foods and cold drinks. Kinda Like Giant Gold fish at the Japanese Tea Gardens… Crowds will wait for some steak on a stick or a buttery scone….(WP really enjoy anything on a Stick or BBQ’d) ….and minutes later….They are around the Honey Buckets chitt chatting.

#13-Jerry Springer….WP like to get intouch with Their loved ones Via Email and Tele. Mr Springer always has some sage advice aswell as nudity on His show. Two things that make WP tune in. If WP could watch Springer and Be at the Fair at the same time…They would be in Heaven.

#12-Mini Coopers….WP like these lil’ cars, but are mainly attached to the ones with the British Flag on the roof.  (or the Pepper White with the Glass top) This was an influence from the Austin Powers movie and WP people everywhere started to say Shag and MoJo….I guess it better than the old WP standby “Right on” or “No Worries”

#11-Biscotti…..They think its a Euro Trip for Their mouths….They like to eat as if it werejerky and completly forget to dip it into coffee…Then They wonder why the roof of Their mouths are all scraped up. They dont know the $1.75 biscotti actually costs .30cents to make….Its like a Fortune Cookie for a Mexican.

#10-Remote Controls…..WPs all over the country love these shits. They like them for the Mini Blinds…ceiling fans….of course the Tele and now for car windows…..They usually have 3 to 5 in the liviing room and almost all have no plate over the batteries. They never have enough batteries cuz of the Shower CD player. (BTW didnt Adam Sandler do a Remote control Movie?)

#9- Pho’ Soup……Clearly trying to save money from the purchase of the Mini Cooper and Shower Caddy….WP love to save money on food…When They treat Themselves…..Its with Pho (Ramen for You country folk)….tons of Noodles and broth and Sliced Dog meat…..They dont actually know how to use the veggies…and end up making a huge mess and a bright red sauce that is not edible….They quickly opt for spring rolls and the ultimate WP Pho’Pah….”May I have a Fork?”

#8- Dogs……These folks love to treat them like babies and give Them names ……like Snickers or Zoe…They put them in bags and lug them er’where.(even to Pho places….Sick Asses!!!)…pick up Dog dookie and carry it around in lil bags…and as a reward for all the licking and scratching and sniffing …They kiss them on the Nose or Dress them up…. like Children on Halloween….only thing worse than a white person’s dog….. is a day stuck at Chucki Cheese.

#7-Designer Jeans…..They can spend over $200.00 and still look like shit on. Just cuz Fergi says “Seven Jeans , True Religion” doesnt mean buy a pair….Maybe its time to Buy a Gym Membership or some jeans that fit…….Media is mainly to blame…and Jessica Simpson….BUT….It all goes back to Palin and the LipStick on a Pig thing. (No Diggity!!!!)

#6-Wide Screen TV………. Honestly the worst luxury in the world for WP. No SHit!!!!! They have a new Remote with one of these things ….and not to mention a reason to invite over friends to watch the game …..and eat Extreme Doritos….. You can see WP in Walmark or K Mark mesmerized by the size….and later in the parking lot….trying to SQUEEZE it into Their Mini Coopers. (like those Jeans…mmmm hmmmm)

#5-Duct tape………..WP’s have this stuff in every drawer of the house…..They can repair shoes and handbags with this heavy duty tape…They like to also fix broken car parts and mirrors with this shit…First invented by lesbians for breast surpressing, Duct tape quickly unraveled into the mainstream and has been Helpful to Whitey’s with loose carpets…. and broken knife handles and flat bike tires…now…. You That is True You’all!!!!

#4-Snow…..Xmas isnt the main draw…even though They love that day too….WP’s love to get dressed up and put on thin metal slats and slide down mountains at record speeds.(tax payers pay for the rescue of these Gortex Clad Idiots) It is amazing They can tear Themselves away from the Huge TV’s long enough to do anything…..but When it snows….WP’s lose all sense of reality…They hit the Highways to cause accidents…..Gather lots of snow into mounds and dress these mounds like they dress Their dogs. Snow makes Them behave like its the last day of School with a Substitute teacher.

#3- Bleu Cheese-….or Blue Cheese….However You spell it They Like it…( I mean ALOT)….They put it on everything …Burgers…Salads…..Noodles….French Fries…..Mushrooms (Stuffed)….Corn….Now I have had it…it smells like someone Shit into a Gym Sock and then Microwaved it…..So why Anyone would eat it is news to Me (and dont get Me started on Goat Cheese)…..I will stick with Gub’Ment style Cheddar.

#2-Netflix…..Who wouldnt like netflix….. I mean come on really….WP’s actually just have more time to watch movies…..They are always working from Home or unemployed…..Netflix Gives a Whitey time with a few Fav things….The Remote and Of Course that Large TV……They dont even miss the days of Driving to the Video in the Mini to rent a movie. No late Fee’s and now streaming Video….Damn Maybe thats Why We are in a recession…Thanks NetFlix!

#1-BlueTooth…..They love this gadget as much as They love Their smelly, poop’n dogs…..They like the Hands free options…. while the Cell phone is safe in the Patagonia Chest pocket.  They can walk around all day….making mergers…hostile take overs…pizza orders…driving like a B lind/ Schitzo….and of course telling people….”oh…. I’m sorry I wasnt talking to You”…..No Doubt this was invented So WP could MultiTask…..Didnt work Did it…You just wander around with one finger in the other ear….trying to listen to Your Neon Blue Ear Widget…..TACKY TACKY….

~I hope This helps, and if it doesnt…..I oh well…..I gotta go and stock some Doritos or some shit for Samiir…speaking of….Maybe I’ll do a list of What the TaliBAn likes!!

Ok Here is the EXTRA You wanted

~EXTRA~…..BLOGS!!! BLOGS>>>>>bLoGs!……White Peeps Love the Blogs!!!!….Look at You right now….all smilely….grinning…. Like a Farting Baby….You guys are constantly looking for some shit to get into….Well I gotta bounce and stop stroking Your egos…..

Later MasterBator….Gayzel

I vowed NEVER to do this…….

.~Well…. as I got off the phone with ‘Her’ …..I realized …”it” ..needed to Happen (she is all kindsa Sweet 16 MTV style)…..A Blog about My sister..[the good, bad and the truth]……(and not Her 3 new phones or Silver Whisper Jet with a antilock brakes and an Iraqi GPS and the NaVaGaShOn!!!)…..I guess I could use (Silver)bullets or a power point  to get this shit all done, however I dont have a pro and con list about Her. “She is the Feather in the Family Turbin”.. In a Nutshell She is 20sump’n and just about to start Med School (some Selma Hayek HyBrid and a Big Barx (Bro) worst nightmare…dudes staring atcho Sis!!!)….She is a Devout Muslim and keeps Me informed on all the Family Drama, and Traditions …(like My crazy Aunt selling dark babies.. Who is 2 things…a Zillionare and  Taliban Operative…..) I couldn’t be prouder of Her even if She dated a Hindu (too many Gods and Vermillion in the hair….and dont get Me started on the Food They eat…lets just say its smells like Kermits Finger)…..All of this integrity in Me  Sis comes from Amazing Parenting….She is an even split (Mom is a Mashedi weilding, House of Daggers,  1!!!! cucumber slicing, Chicken JABOO-KUDI’NG- Daughter of The Great Allah), where I am 99% Dad….Dead Sexy (Much Love Dad!)….So I have to Whip Her ass if She gets outta line…..Not so much anymore now that She is older and I am busy exploring Scientology (Tom Cruise hit on Me for Reals!!!)…and… Cuz I am so far away (actually 1300 miles or a $323.53  plane tix on Horizon)….There were a number of times I worried….when She was lil’… I  thought I may have a KD lang on My hands (oh no!!!…) with all the basketball She was into (I thought…Damn….I dont even like the Indigo girls or Rosie O’Donnel…how Could She?)…but the day She was in front of a Noz cd drooling I realized it was worse…not Cuz I am not into black people…They are smoking Hott (I went black and stayed a while….)… But My crazy Aunti would have had a Hindi Cow…. with a side of Naan( Trust …..She Has the Hips..and so does Her Stuck up Daughter…) if She brought home anything Non-Muslim…..So time went on …and I was comfortable when She ended up with some Tall Brownie (oh!  but no!!!!! the Ears on Him..maybe She should have went the otherway)……and She learned alot… and came out a better person (I cried when I saw Her Being so Strong….She set His car on fire at a Kegger in Fresno…once again proud of Her serving Allah!!)…..It was about Her sophmore year in Uni’ that I realized I am more of a friend…..and was able to relax… (She was in the capable hands of Our Filthy rich Cousins…Pradia and Jasmine Rice)…plus I was busy stripping to pay off student loans…..These 2 girls are like Paris an Nikki Who got stuck in BollyWood Vortex and Landed on My Sister….Together…These 3 ate at Every Olive Garden in the Central Valley (Seperate Checks… They Screamed at the staff) and traveled to Pakistan for Jewelry and scarfs …while at school… They  would text message ….Via Waterford Crystal inlayed Blackberries…Pink of course…. from L.A. to Sausalito…(I actually watched These 3 part a Sea of Shoppers at the Fresno Galleria as They entered the Forever 21…. Where They were handed MochaChino’s and disappeared into the dressing rooms.)…..time seemed to fly by for both of Us….Soon She was spending time off in major resort areas like Dubia, Mazatlan and ChowChilla….it must have been student loans …or that one Arab She met at the In and Out “Booger” in Madera…eitherway I was happy to see Her having fun…before I knew it… She was off an entire summer and wanted to visit Tel Aviv and Seattle…..I jumped at the chance….I went to the Airport and was amazed at My lil’ Sis….Great taste….Crisp Oxford…low slung jeans…and some pointy sling backs (Jimmy Chooooooooo!)  and a huge Prada Hippi Flap….and all grown up….We quickly jumped in the Indian/Arab… standard  (BMW …Double Deck… 3 Series…Whisper Jet…every Baristas Dream) and headed into town….She was only here for a week which intailed sleeping in…eating tons of ToFu… and str8’n Her hair for 2 hours a day… to head out with My girlfriends (the OWS and Cameran Diaz) while I made some Sheik richer….She left 2 things in Seattle….a ton of broken hearts and a bunch of hair all over My bathroom….Life went on the same here and has been the same since….We speak almost everyday and plan on seeing Each Other soon….But within all this time I always hope She is safe and is studying…(even if  She is in The Hamptons)….The Lord really threw Me a curve as a Big bro (Being so stunning) or as She calls Me ….Barx….So-When He gave Me a sister (Thank You Allah)….Its kinda like getting a Diamond ring…actually buying a diamond ring….They are one of a kind…(so sparkly) and Boootymous….You can look at Them all day and always love Them more….. even if You misplace Them for a while. You alwaya find a new shimmery glimmer….but after a few days You turn into Gollum….. and put that Shit somewhere safe ….and hope that it never gets scratched…. and that Nobody ever steals Her away ….oh ….and If You do lose it…You are Fucked (and wonder what You did to Deserve this!?)…Such an emotionaly expensive investment ….and so tiny and perfect…Well I am not gonna be all kindsa’O… “My Precious!!!!” …So I have a plan to Guilt Her ass ArabStyle…… send Her money as much as I can…. so She knows I got Her Couture Ass on Sibling Low Jack/Lock Down…and Mom is Def on My side (We spoke)….So all in all …I have it pretty good…plus When She is a Dr. or Pres. (it could happen ….look at this Palin disaster ) I will be able to retire early from this shit…or Marry one of Her Dr. Friends….Well thats enough about Her….I’ll tell You how great I am!!!!…. in the Morrow….unless Shaneekwa got My Blog password…and spouts tons of lies…like She is here legally…or She’s gonna Shit out the boss’ Baby….Whatever….I am out anywayz…..BTW….when I was in school I never could afford a trip to ChowChilla!!!!!!!! Damn B!

Shaneekwa the Russian Barista

~Well this potato peeling Russian girl (Shaneekwa) had a Major Blowout with The Curry King,(My Boss) Samiir today.(turns out He was Making TanDoori Coochi With MS. Moscow….and it wont be ready for 9 months……EEEEEEW SICK!!!!)   But this crazy bitch told Me this Shit a week ago when I called her Fat….. Here is How the Shit went down…I was about 10 minutes behind (more like 45 min) trying to find parking in this ultra Chic village where My coffee Job is and… WaMu  Aint anymore…some JP Morgan take over or whatever….anywayz…. But You know all this shit by now….So anywayz again…….as I find a parking spot I notice My Boss and The Huski Ruskie outside leaning on His piece’o shit Jaguar (still all keyed up by Yours truely) having a smoke together….I also notice the cafe is full….so I walk up and ask “Who is watching the cafe?”   Samirr says…”It should Be You, You late” Well… I was well aware of the fact that I was late, and was going to get written up…. so I needed a great lie to tell to this Taliban MF….I quickly pipe up…”Shaneekwa…said I could come in late if She could leave early for a trip to the free clinic” (not an Abortion clinic all You Palin supporters……Fuckers!)  Both of Them quickly turned and stared at each Other. This was amazing on My part…not to save My job as much as I was doing Gods work and Society a favor.(Who wants to see a Hairy baby with a Dot on its forehead?)…SO!
….  As I begin My shift, I slice a ton of Fresh Banana Bread Shaneekwa baked, and as I take it to the display case …..I trip over a wine crate and ditch all the slices into the compost bucket….FAWK FAWK FAWK!!!…They were still outside,  so I had time to pull each piece out and put Them on a new plate..(and brush off the egg shells and chicken skin)…..and…. as compensation for saving the banana bread profits, one free Bottle of wine that caused this disaster (Where is My backpack? I thought)…… So minutes later I was in My apron, helping dozens of coffee drinkers, students, assholes and soccer moms…and the last 2 are interchangeable. (I know its wrong to call a soccer mom an asshole)…So.. In this Mix of MeerKats and Peacocks…I helped My Fav regulars…There was The Green Eyed monster with Her Quad Latte and no Bra wearing self…The Hott Tattooed slacker Who’s smile could make an Angel cry….The Microsoft Millionare that blushes when I ask Him if He wants a Hot one…..Then there was My fellow barista turned Social Outreach and Her Titti Shirt…..Its working, apparently Mack’n on Some outta town Dude……And then there were the Cafe DipShitz…Double Cafe Breve’ for the walking Heart Attack(clearly a Belushi)….Short Black tea for Mr. Herpy Lip.(damn Ha is still cute……What!???)….White Choc Mocha for ….Mr. Vanilla Ice/Slim Shadey…with His blonde hair and droopy Jeans and boxers hanging out(why dont the police harass Him so He can really feel like a person of color?)…Crazy Asian Lady with way too much money…. who thinks this is a Starbucks….”No We dont Make BaNirra Rattays…However Our -Vanilla Lattes- are Deelish”… She just giggles…behind Her Diamond incrusted silky soft hand..Then of course DeadBeat Dad comes in with His dirty children…2 boys with filthy jeans and dirty shoes…He orders a Tall Americano…and nothing for these mongrels….RUDE RUDE RUDE!!! Even though They look like Chaka from Land of the Lost…They still need to eat….so when He is fixing His drink I give them both some banana bread. ..Again doing Gods work….Things slow down and I begin to get ready for lunch…..filling all the coffee pots with Decaf and toasting all of the stale bread for paninis….combine the trash and recycling and head out for the dumpsters….Shaneekwa and The Sheik are still at it …so I shout….”I am taking the trash out ” Shaneekwa is too busy crying and My boss the Just waves Hello like He is in a parade or some shit…Well I then got pissed and thought… Fuck You 2 and Your baby having selves….I then Shouted “Health Department and I am on a Smoke Break” Well Samiir heard that and ran inside like a runaway slave… and Shaneekwa sat on the Boss’s Whisper Jet Jaguar just sobbing like a gay republican…Now I have a heart…So I went over and sat quietly next to My Frien~amy and offered Her a smoke……She gladly took one…broke off the butt, and went to town old school/buttless drags…I had to get out of the way cuz it was too smokey (I have new highlights)and the Boss was coming out shaking His head saying “Where They GO?” I said “I dunno, ….plus… I have dishes to wash” I rushed in ….and My Big Russian Baby Factory followed behind thru the cafe…sobbing and smoking….when We reached behind Our counter I noticed this Bitch and the  smoke and smell…l and quickly slapped it out of Her mouth (My highlights cant be washed for 2 days and I gotta movie to see tonight)…..Right around this time the Lunch regulars were headed in ….We sold outta soup and sandwiches, and at one point almost coffee beans….But My steel trap mind was on it!!!!…. to save the day I took all the decaf beans and filled the hopper up to the tip top….Shaneekwa was a total mess the whole time, so I took all the tables while She washed dishes like a Hairy Cinderella…..The owner showed up after the Slam with a Bag from Nordtstrom and some wine from that Gay Bear at the Wine Shoppe…..walked up to Shaneekwa and then took Her into the office….So Guess Who had to finish the dishes? The Gayzel!!!!!!…..aint that a bitch…..By this time the New evening Barista was coming on, and I told Him/Her (We’ll call Him Clooney cuz He maybe GAY!) the truth….I said.. “Shaneekwa will be staying late  to train You….Samiir wants You to finish these dishes while He has a 1 on 1 with Shaneekwa” (pretty sure His 1 on 1 started this mess)….He said “ok Cool”…but actually ment….”You look ravishing Gayzel”…So I said..”Its been a very easy day and I saved You some Banana bread.”… He made a Chai had 2 slices of bread and headed into the Dish Pit…..I had to hit the bricks soon cuz there was a pre screening of ‘SEX and the City’ (I hope Miranda plays a Mime, or a jar of Mayonaise, or a Giant Tree )at a New Leather Bar up the street…So I cleaned out the tip jar (since The crybaby washed dishes all day) and hung up My apron and changed into My new Low Slung, waist chopped(Mariah Carey style) AG’s and headed out the door …as soon as I heard Samiirs office door….and as soon as I heard “Gayzel!!!!!”…. the cafe front door closed (No Diggity I am Gangster  by this point)….now I am home and sipping some red wine and toasting some Sundried tomato Facoccia….wondering if I have a job….Oh well, atleast I dont work for WaMu …..Like I can even get a checking account LOL!!! Anyways…time to count My money and eat some dinner…Pray I have a Job in the Morn…OK….later bitches, Gayzel

P.S. If You have ever stolen anything, give it back..(like a Kids bike) ..otherwise Karma will get You….I promise…(in a very bad way)…and , So..but not limited to…Dreams of Endlessly giving birth to Skinless Snakes and Frogs.

Tuesday is the new black

~Today is really hard to pin down as a work day. The sun is out, even though the Idiot Brigade at Komo Channel 5 News predicted a late Summer Arctic Blast…..All the students are back at school today…and that includes the Community Ones too (But not Devry and the other ones at the Mall)….So now instead of Lazy summer slackers….I have Lazy students hanging out….Add a dash of umemployment to the City and I am busting a sweat by 9:30 am…..My Co worker Shaneekwa called in late (Bad Ass Russian Who hates Me) …She just arrived a few secs ago (its about noon now) and is already making Vegan sandwiches with mayo(STOOOOPID)…..I dont have the heart to tell Her…plus She is almost finished…..So with this bitch being all late and shit….I had to sling coffee like some Pub Wench, and not to mention, super busy pouring half and half in to the 1% to make whole milk This place is CHEAP!!!….I wish That Curried Hitler Owner was here so see My daily struggle to make His shoppe so Elegant and Fun (I think He is on some Camel or Pyramid or both)…..The best part of My morning was getting dressed…I wore a Black Oxford tucked in to show of the Junk and of course some low slung AG’s and some super pointy Boots …..Now I look like a Vietnemese Cowboy with a KungFoo Grip, on a Pitcher of steamed milk….The usual’s were in ….The Diamond Cutter was in sipping Chai and tring to check out the Gayzel on the DL….I noticed that shit and gave Him an extra shot of My juicy bootey wiping the tables Grumpy old Man did the crossword…The Goth Kids were giving Me dirty looks just like the ones I give to lil kids digging in their nose..Hotti Dad came in with a Huge HErp on His lips…look liked BLT hold the LT….Shortly after I was slammed with a Tour Bus of Korean Tourists..(GODZIRRAAAHHH!)..How a bus that big got here, I will never know….So I was up to My ears in MochaChinoFrapps and explaining” We dont serve Shrimp Fried rice”…Then the boss calls in…I answer and Hear His voice and He says “Hello Gayzel”….I just hung up….By this time all the tourists were begin’ing to realize I gave Them all vanilla lattes and asking for the manager….Well thinking on My feet….I get the driver aside and tell Him about the “all You can eat fried rice buffet at Cafe Vita” a block away…He gathers Them up and heads down the one way street away from My shoppe…..promising never to return…or, back up and take out an entire city block….Now the shoppe was cleared out and time to prep for lunch,…..You know…..chop veggies….prep sammies….add hot water to the old coffee..So …Thats about when Shaneekwa shows up and is all flustered about rent going up….So I tell Her to make sandwiches and I would show Her an easy way to make some extra cash….with ping pong balls…….so while this crazy bitch is working, I’ll go for a walk in the park and checkout the College ROTC Group doing jumping jacks…..So I head out with My venti Merlot and begin to head down the street ….I get to the corner and This Asshole in a Black Jaguar with Def Lepard blasting outta the sunroof almost runs Me over……I am 2 things screaming and covered in Merlot……I suddenly get a wiff of Curry and Drakkar Noir and realize that Asshole was My Boss…..I run around the block to head Him off and cruise thru the shoppe and change My shirt….Shaneekwa is busy making a Cafe  Borgia  (total Bullshit drink made up the street from here.)and behind Her, the toaster is smoking something awful…..I have to ingore this circus and change before Hitler fires Me….I make it to the bathroom and manage to snag a bakers apron..but no shirt…the only thing in there is a Baby Tee from Juicy Couture (No diggity its Shaneekwa’s)…..So I walk out with a Pink and Yellow sleeveless, midrift shirt and an apron….makes Me look kinda buff in  front….but it was a Muffin top and pack of hotdogs going on in the lower back area (Fat Rolls luv handles)…so anyways…..My boss has made it behind the counter by this point and is waving the blackest,  piece of Charcoal Toast I have ever seen (LIl diamonds could have fallen off it)…the amount of smoke combined with His accent filling the cafe’ was enough to make Me laugh and point immediatly(not to mention My Merlot buzz)…..He see’s Me and just shakes His head from side to side…Like I give  ashit…anyways So I look at Him and shake My head up and down and all around..and walk past Him to make drinks and show off My muffin top…..He says “Is this what You 2 do when I am not here?” I answer “YES and ..We didnt know You were back from Dubai yet!”……He shook His Head slammed His planner down and went into the office….Well, This is how I got the day off with pay…..Not because of the of anything I did but I got sick to My stomache when I found a $100  in Hitlers planner sticking out…I quickly grabbed it and grabbed My butt cheeks, ran into the office (with the apron off and Baby Tee on- muffin out front to back) and screamed Food Poisoning….He said “got home Gayzel” Which Means go home in Curry. I quickly turned to Shaneekwa and smiled….She was surrounded in a smokey haze and  scraping something that looked like toast….She smiled back and farted over the Latte on the counter behind Her….I think She Knew it was for Our boss….cuz she said in a loud Accent 
“…..Samiir, Your Latte is getting cold!” I knew then and there not all Russians were bad only the Ukrane ones…but….This Cremlin was no Gremlin…..I borrowed that…anyway…It was just another average day at work, no biggie….Kinda hungry now….I guess after I find some Shrimp fried rice ..I gotta hit the record store and then pick up a pair of these Sweet Converse I saw on My way home…So Mooches from Me to You for now…later MasterBators!

Girls Night out

~So I needed a break from that crazy coffee shop, and  catch up with the Girls. I was able to meet with a certain Ms. C. Diaz and of course the OWS  (Original White SheDevil) down in the very Posh area in Seattle, known as Madison Park. (The Nordstrom Family and other Super White, Blonde, Platinum Bank Accounts play without regard…like Pigs in a Monsoon of Mud and Dookey) It is so 90210… and the Who’s Who….and Whats Whats is Er’Where…  You can hear the necks crack as We walk into the Bar…..We actually have a Window Seat always on LowJack during the summer…So We can people watch and comment…. The combination of Wine and Rich insecure people walking by, is a recipe for a good time….So back to Us…..We sit at Our table as pint glasses of Pinot Grigio show up and food orders are placed…The OWS orders a Veggi Pizza hold the crust..(She is always on a diet of getting a Ghetto Booty)…….C. Diaz orders a Chicken Liver sandwich smothered in onions and a side of Bacon…and I order a Crab Salad….While our food is delicatley prepared…A Baby Eagle flys in and perches on the Bar…actually its a 65 yo French hairdresser Who works in Madison…She looks like the Crypt Keeper and Michael Jackson had a Baby (Eagle)…Anyways….She is all twitchy and almost 100 lbs if She is holding Her purse. ….Well She begins to Yell in French at the bartender (and others around Her)….(in French and Spanish by now)….some shit about the football game….She wanted to watch VH1(while sipping a flask from her Clutch)…so I take it upon My French speaking self to tell Her to hold it down ( and make Me some Crepes’……. I love I love those Shits with Jelly and Butter!!!!!!)….She takes a deep breath and turns in Our direction as if to say ..You shut it…But thinking quick on Her feet the WhiteSheDevil springs into action….”You Heard Him….Shut it….Bitch!” Well The baby eagle turns back to face front and after another deep breath, She  let’s out a low ..”Bitch….” Well I didnt hear this Shit, But Ms. C. Diaz hears it…and stands up and shouts “Dont Call My Friend a Bitch,….BITCH!” Well at this point people are starting to stare….I have to do somethng and fast ….So I stand up and and in Her direction shout “if You call Me a Fag, Again, I will call the ACLU and The NAACP” of course She didnt call Me anything…cuz I wasnt acting like a bitch…My friends were (plus My food would be late if I turned the OWS loose)….So all the stares were back on Her…By this time Our food had arrived…OWS was busy building an ant hill of Parm on Her plate While C. Diaz…decided there wasnt enough Bacon on Her plate..and gracefully pulled out a shaker of Baco’s outta Her Prada  Bag….My Crab Salad was great….while We dine and discuss the Japanese Trade market, Foreign Sanctions, and Americas Next Top Model….The bar fills up….Mainly The ultra white collar criminals…and Their spouses…..Food is ordered, drinks are flying and the place looks like a Republican Fund Raiser (complete with boat shoes and fat old Men age Avg 45)……We have dozens of Madisons finest walking by Our window looking in…all have atleast 2 kids and one Nanny….there are enough high end cars outside to make Tupac roll over in His grave..(Fo Sho)…..So we stick out like a sore boner……And do We care?…..So by this time We have all stepped out for an after dinner smoke….While We are out there, We manage to count 3 Mail order Asian Brides…..6 in the closet Dads……12 Atheletic/Lesbian grandmas…..1 GaZillion ‘A’ (Gay Men Who pass for str8, but have Young ethnic men peppered around Them.) Gays….and 1 Black couple ( getting directions to the nearest WAY OUT….no diggity , and I am Brown)……While all this calculating is going on….We see Baby Eagle leaving with a Cab Driver…I cant say walking cuz She was ToW-Up!!! She was all over Him like Like Tom Cruise on a Penis…and He was on Her like…well….like… Travolta on a Pakistani Tranny…….But He had to prop this Baby Eagle up and drag Her…when They reached His cab….He was carrying Her like a bowling ball down there..(You know grip …1 in the…. and 2 in the)…..He leaned Her on the roof and door while He ran around and got in to lift Her door lock….She opens the door with Her purse hand and slipped in almost slamming Her thin  talon in the door jam….lucky for Her SHe  didnt…lucky for Us she dropped Her Dolce & Gabanna clutch…..As the cab sped off so did C. Diaz with a Fubu Clad OWS quickly behind her…..I was busy chatting up J. K. Marshall….and didnt notice…Plus those two are Hella broke  …anyways…As I handed   Didgets to this father of 3…Right Then I see. these 2 drunk bitches run up on Me….I am bombarded with giddy screaming and the OWS saying,  “DAmnB…… DamnB!!!” ……Turns out this baby eagle is a Golden Goose….tons of cash and credit cards….and some Viagra……So We are put in a very curious position….Of course We  wont Identity rogue Her ass…however We will Be getting a Free dinner and Wine…and pocket cash..and Maybe another round before We turn it in….So in We walk back to Our table and are greeted by the bartender shortly after…where We  just finished   counting the cash Mother Goose left Us…C. Diaz Quickly looks up and says…3 Pinot grigios and then the bill please…..The OWS pipes up with “Aint You  peeps got’ No CRYSTAAAALLL up in this joint….or some Old ENglish?” I again thinking on My feet….I Kick Hers under the table and tell the bartender She suffers from AfroEnvy….He agrees and calls Her a Reverse Oreo and walks away…..She is too busy shouting “Sump’n undah Da Table ..Yo….”….I FO SHO know We are in the clear when Our drinks arrive and I tell The bartender ” Some Guy just came in and asked if   this clutch was Ours…We said No. …but We’ll turn into the Bar”……He took one look at it and Said..”Oh that Cracked out Granny always loses this When She Hooks up with the Sheik”….We are 2 things….bathed in the light of the Lord for doing the right thang….and shocked….OWD Let out a loud (UHHHHH UHHHH!!!!!!!!!NO SHE DI”INT!”) Cameron Diaz…(there I said it)….Just sat ther like She did in the Mary Movie with Jizz in Her Hair….and of course I am talking to Yet another Father Who is wanting to hang out…..We all get our Change…combine the tip (watching The OWS doesnt steal it)…and Head out….Our town cars show up at the same time and We are off to hang out with our real freinds…When We all look over our cars doors and shout…Thanks Baby Eagle……As My tattooed driver nears My Destination….I thank God the Devil didnt get ahold of Me and prayed that Ms C. Diaz can become a better Actress and also never read this…and I asked for forgiveness For the Original White  Shedevil…and all the Planned ParentHood money She has wasted….after all that praying I really needed a shot of Booze….The Bouncer Chad, opened My door and whisked Me in the side door infront of the  long line outside and handed Me a Cosmo once in……The rest of the story will play out when We all hang out at Spazzo in the morn all kindsa hungover and discussing how We spent each of Our golden Eggs…… Gayzel

Well the Stock Market is in the Toilet…

~I really dont know how this happened…Maybe it has to do with those “Head On” commercials(or Cheney having a voice)…Anyways…its another Faboo day in the Emerald City…and lil of Cafe Drama, This morning started like any other morning…I got in way late and made sure  to make My Chai and go sit outside and ignore the Customers…Shaneekwa was in a terrible mood…swearing in Russian and smearing butter all over the Vegan Sammies…I usually call Her out on this behavior, however there was a group of Firemen outside having coffee….After They left I decided it was a good time to start work…. After My Borscht Wreeking, Vodka Soaked co-worker had taken care of the morning slam, She turned to Me and said “You Gay Boy…Bav’room times” I know “bavroom times” means clean the bathroom….(what Bitch?? ) So after I checked My Myspace….I waited for Her to have a smoke break and used Her make up brush to clean the “BAV’room…” Around this time the coffee regulars were headed out…Cafe Slut off to meet Her Guy (Craigslist #4) The white SheDevil grabbed Her Misto and headed outside to call Her boss and pretend to be sick, The Diamond cutter walked out in the sexiest pair of 7 jeans I have ever seen (excluding mine of course) and Mr P. headed out ,with his crazy dog making love with a blowing leaf…Dead beat dad managed to come down and dole out some sage advice..”take Your money out now, before the crash happens”… Well D. D. Here’s some advice and its a split dividend….Pay your Child Support….and take some ValTrex….aint that a bitch …telling a barista where to put His tips…maybe I will put it towards a worthy cause…like, CAUSE’ RENT IS DUE…..Wow, (Gayzel looks around) so after being schooled by the Donald Trump of Shitheads…I decided to do more of Jesus’ work and switch all the beans to decaf….nobody will know and It will cut down on peoples Sins and Addictions..kinda like Christmas does…I enjoy giving! After doing this I really felt impowered with the juice of Christ and couldnt help Myself…I realized that I had to pour a Lil Heavy cream into all the Non Fat milks….so that Pregnant People/Ladies (I dont discriminate…like that one tranny job in Oregon…WTF??…It was a chick with a di$!#$ and shit out a baby 9 months later…once again…SHOCKED LIKE KATI HOLMES!!!)..Could give Their babies nourishment….I was so wiped out from the blessed’ calling, I had to call My boss in TelaViv and ask for the night off. He said no….actually He said in a crazy Middle Eastern accent…”Why You want off…You have some Gay Rave to party too?….or are You doing drugs?…..Are You off the wear a dress?” I finally thought fuck it (and His Naan eating ass)…I’ll stay……I know, a No! when I hear it….So after I hung up on the Curried Hitler…I (pretended to take a smoke break) went down to the garage and Keyed His Jaguar….for 2 reasons…I am doing the Churches work and He wont be back for 3 weeks…..I was covered in the light of Jesus and flecks of gloss black paint scrapings, when I saw 3 cops walk into the shoppe…I hurried behind Them and ran into My cage to help Them…one was very cute and the other two looked like truckers…All of Them ordered drip coffee and maple bars (donuts….no shit….You dont have to be Ms. Cleo for this Cafe) They sat for a while and I know why….the Chicks….there are a ton of Hotties that come in…mostly of the Scissor Sister Club if You know what I mean….and if You dont…please stop reading My Blog…(except You Mom…I’ll try to explain it to You later in Arabic)…So in walk the 3 hottest We got…I call them “Beaver Fever or the Triple Wett Threat”….One is My size (totally sexy) actaully They are all my size….anyways…one is a Blonde Baby with Shakira Hips and Fish and Chips….the other is a smart as a Fox, with Curly Locks…(down south) and the other is an Americano sipping Ninja with  a KungFu grip….Ok with all this L Word bullshit pouring in, I realize its time to do the unthinkable…the cops are in a frenzy and these Lesbians are wearing Their best wedding gear…This means They are gonna sit down and call all the UHauls joints…..I really cant handle Horny cops and Lessies in love…So I call in a 911 of My bosses car….These cops get the call, and rush out to hide in Their cars….I get all the girls Americanos (Decaf Rem’ber?) and begin closing up….the rest of the day is pretty slow….I water down the soup and combine the compost and trash to make one trip down stairs..(again Gods work)…and begin to void credit card transactions and put the overage in My tip Jar. By this time the Notorious SOS…(Sisters of Saphos) are headed out to (no doubt rent a Uhaul or adopt a Wolf puppy) enjoy some KD Lang in their Jeep..and I am headed out to My 1981 VW rabbit to listen to some AH HA and head to the all night Vegan Buffet at the Holiday Inn at the Airport…. when My cell phone rings…(Rump Shaker Ring Tone) The ID says ..Osama Bin Latte…Its My boss…He says “Gayzel…File police report to My car, It got bandolized” Ok BANDOLIZED?? WTF is he smoking….so I said ok….and He hung up….RIght as I pulled into the Parking lot to get My Veggi on…My phone rings again…the ID reads ‘Boris’….I answer ” Hi Shaneekwa…whats up?”…She Says ” I just’ TeleViv …uhhh phone call got’….You tried to get ..uhh…(Stupid Russian) night off again huh?” This Bitch is 2 …ok maybe …no definatly 3 things…CRAZY…A Man…and on to Me…..Thinking on My feet I did what any of Our Saviors Children would do…I said “Listen Shaneekwa…I dont know what Your talking about, but I found $100.00 bucks while I was cleaning the BAV”ROOM…and I’ll split it with You.” She said “uhhhh $75.00 now’ morning …uhh…Gay boy and its Deal” I agreed, and realized I was wheel’n & deal’n with the Russian mob….Fawking Bitch!!!! I hope She uses  her makeup brush before eating her homemade potato and potato sandwich or whatever that shit is she brings in. And in a nut shell just a normal day at work….I hope tommorrow has some neat stuff….I dont want You guys to get bored…so stay tuned, some groovey shit may go down….til then….I will be in front of a mirror plucking….. and continuing to pray for your souls…….Gayzel.

The lords day..I should use caps…LoRdS DAY!!!

~Happy Sunday folks….I was able to wake up…work on the Jeep…clean the house and get to work on time. While there…I got slammmed by churchies…not Your normal churchies…but Nice People…They were patient, polite and dressed nice.(like they do at Wal-Mart) There was a couple in Their early hundreds, Who were so sweet and polite…they could have been in car sales or telemarketing. There was the token Gay couple, with 2 Manderin Babies…and a Chubby Cheeked Pastor. They all sat around drinking Their drinks talking about everything but church …( HO HO…I said Butt CHurch….hee hee) ~AnyWayz!!! The Elders sat in the sun patio as if to say “hasnt the Lord blessed Us with a Sexy Ass Morning” The Pastor sipped Her Soy Latte, O! hold up!…She orders like this in a British accent”Soy LA’Tay”…like Buckwheat or some shit…ok,…. so She sips Her La’Tay…and looks around as if to say, “yes I gave You peeps a Sexy Ass morning” Now, the Gays are doing both of the 2 things They do best, ingoring each other and flirting with Me. Their babies (Who I call HopSing and Jamal) are safley tucked in those Baby Byorne thingies desperatly looking for some Momma’s milk. One of the Dudes is a total triple D cup ,Bear daddy…however …You can guess the rest…So the Gays, right…They are sipping ..wanna guess??……RIGHT…CHU….ARE!!!!Yeay…Yup, Chai Teas!!… and as They look up from the tea cups (with pinkies out of course) They cast a glance over er’body on the patio..as if to say “We’re Here ,We’re Queer, get used to it”…Or “Hi I am Adam and This is Steve!” HaHAHaHah!!!! that shit was funny, I dont care Who You are……(So!)….All this time HopSing and Jamal are staring at Me, and I realize…I forgot to buy Dogfood, So I rush inside to jot this down in My Hello Kitty organizer…When I run into the Cafe Slut…being Sunday and hella Churchie out, I thought I may burst into flames if I went near Her…so I ran into My cage (behind the counter) and when I got there…She was walking out…. Turns out She was “washing up and headed to work”…My CoWorker  said……MMMMMM..[nasty nasty..] By this time it was about Me prepping to get out early. Since it was so busy..the dishes and napkins were piled up…and the recycle was mounting. I had about 20 minutes left and had errands to run after work…..So at about 10 minutes to shift end, a bunch of Models from a rock video filming next door came in and sat down (O Hell No!!!!) I was running around like mad trying to get their orders and close My shift……watch this shit~.When I got close…They all reeked of Smoke and Impulse body spray (We know what thats from dont WE’zzzz?)…I was hoping They would each order a Venti FraBreeze and a Washcloth…however They were all from some far off place where Tea is  better  than coffee…So …6 breakfast teas with milk…and then the Kicker happened…”do you have a Few nofat nibblies?”…I wanted to say “No!!!, but I do Have 6, Non-Fat EuroWhores on sale”….but on the outside I said “rye toast”…So I give the order to My Co Worker Shaneekwa, the hottest Russian barista working, just to drive them crazy…Shaneekwa sees how much I wanna get out and says…”GO A-WAYS BOY”…So I grabbed My tip’s…threw all the dishes and linen under the Recycle…dumped it all in a box and ran it out to th e Goodwill box across the street….then headed home. Now I am home drinking a RedStripe Jamaican Lager…its like Coors except after a while You start shouting things like JaMan!!! and IREY IREY…and occasionaly, a Jerk Chicken!! Wow…I thought this would be a short note, cuz of the short day and all…sorry to keep You so long Guys….Well thats its for Me today….I have plans to hang out with My buddy tonight and go Bear Hunt’n at a tea dance later….So I guess that means I gotta find that Black Chapstick huh? You know it…..til the Morrow…thanks again for reading Bitchez….I hope You had fun…Gayzel

Info. for a Saturday night on the town:

~It is Saturday eve in the Emerlad City and this means disco naps for all the kids. I was able to sling enough coffee to buy some strange person a shot of some mood altering pimp shake. I hope the rest of You are headed out too. If you are all coupled up…You should still go out, and pretend not to know each other. Its crazy foreplay ,for some Hot monkey stuff later on.(git it Kris!) For the single peeps headed out…Make sure to Stay Clear of the hot Harley Guy…We learned alot about that guy in the Poo blog. I myself plan on wearing something that makes Me look like a hairdresser or LA trash….Pointy shoes, puddling jeans and a tucked in starched oxford….(Yeah its true, they look the same)….I will probably start to prefunk around 8:30 and hit the shower and call a car around 10:00. I should arrive in the front of the bar with a crazy line around 10:05 and Do My Best Lindsey Lohan and have the bouncer walk Me in. But way before any of this shit happens, the prefunk is in effect. I will need a generous 40oz of PBR and a back up 40….(they are really heavy when You start to sip one…so You may drop it, and worse case scenario…it shatters..I.E./walaah! the second 40 oz is handy. I will also need a double side of Youtube to get Me in the dancing mood. [ I would like to suggest any 1980’s music…I like Debbi Gibson and Martika…..Make sure You listen to Jermaine Stewart’s “we dont have to take our clothes off to have a good time” ] If You plan on dancing…..(Na Na..and drink some cherry wine,.Na Na… Uhh Huuuuuhhhh!)  [I wil make sure to press my shirt and wear clean socks]….while You are at it ….pour some olive oil on a papertowel and give Your shoes a shine if You are headed out..I always do…I will grab just enough cash to feed a small country and put it in a money clip (supplied from an East Coast Witch)…and stuff My ID in my front pocket. You dont want anything in those back pockets…they can steal the sexy right outta the full FAT ass you are trying to show ER’body…this goes for keys too…only take the house key…You shouldnt be driving after one or two 40’s (Damn Gina!) I will w/o a doubt…grab some last minute Deal Makers….These are a must: Gum…the watermelon kind..it kills er’thing….Chapstick…only the Black kind…ONLY THE BLACK KIND!  You/I have to use this cuz…it keeps your lips ready…helps with speaking and wont compete with the watermelon gum. (My Dads [the ladies man] favorite chapstick…and He Rocks!) And this is almost as important as the Chapstick…Guys only wear cologne on the back of Your neck in Your hairline….no more then that…and I dont care if You are an Arab…I am one too….Girls…only wear tanning lotion out…Men go crazy for the beach smell thing and it gives the idea You tan….(tanlines are sexy for white people)…Brown people…if You wear tanning lotion..people will think You are mixed…So back to Me, I will be headed out and thinking of a really good lie…like I just came in from the Hard Rock Cafe in Kabul or that I am in the Marines….That wont help explain the outfit…but Gay People dont care. The only thing we care about is showing up in a fancy town car and wearing enough Chapstick (it looks We ate a bucket of Fried Chicken)…dancing with our shirts off and heading home to Slam some ice water and eat Ramen in our clown outfits. So I guess its time to Prefunk over here (Fo-Sho)….I hope You head out and have a great time. Please use My tips and suggestions carefully….If People are not usually seeing You as Sexy as I am…they will call you a slut(No Diggity)…so use these items in moderation. Please blow Me up if You run into any problems or git sum Suki Suki!

Have a great night Bitchez…Gayzel

Mutterings from the Casa….

As I drove home in My lil whitewalled vintage gayness….I realized how sexy My city is….There is the water front…the space needle and green er’where…then I thought How great this City is….Shit We have Amazon…Boeing…CostCo….Starbux (Lol)…MicroYouKnowWhoSoft…All the Salmon in the world You could eat…(even if You are Asian)…We are also sprinkled with many lil gifts like Jones Soda and Tillamook Cheddar cheese…Local Arts…Amazing parks and recreation…The Cuff…and many other things that I dont wanna type about….The only major trade off is a lil rain now and then and of course Jean Enerson and Her nose….(Fingers crossed ,she is in her early hundreds, I think)…So all and all…I think this will be a city worth writing from. I cant imagine writing from anywhere else, since I am stuck at that JOB forever….You will just have to settle for Capitol Hill Drama….unless Major shit goes down…like an earthquake or Tom Cruise coming out of the closet….or John Curley getting hit by a HydroPlane…..this is very important: “if I ever use the term [CHANNEL 9]  well this means listen up, cuz I got some breaking news on some crazy “S” that went down somewhere…..I will need Your undivided attention and 3 dollars mailed to the cafe I am being held captive at. Make sure its addressed to Tyron Jenkins….thats My street name…..So back to the Blog…Yeah…More in the morrow…It should be good….Its gonna be all sunny and stuff…and the shoppe should be crawling with pathologies…or short shorts…either way….I will keep You informed…Plus My super saucy White girlfriend, We’ll call her Jessica Rabbit, is going to be there…and She knows all the low down dirty shame…..(and She dates/stalks a  HOTT Black guy)…So get some rest and make sure to look Bootymous if You show up at the Cafe…Cuz’ I’ll be writing about it. Muahz Bitches….Gayzel

Ok I think I got it all Dookey’d up…

Um I wanted to let You’s know….I have a ton of errors in er’thing I post….I really dont care….I promise the swear words will be Korrekt as well as My name (gayzel) and the same for stereotypes/slams…So dont email Me you 2 cents worht!!! Gayzel

This is the start of sump’n bad …Me thinks.

This takes place in the sleepy lil area of Capitol Hill, It is littered with coffee shops…kinda like Soho in NY…but without all the roaches…I happen to work in one of them. This one shall remain anonymous (unless You wanna call Him Tyrone) This Cafe is located in a Upscale Condo outfit and is Home to alot of Hip, Young Techi types…They are super generous and into community. So in a nutshell, its a great place to sling Joe and people watch. Since Money and good looks go hand in hand….I get to see a Ton of Melrose Place Bullshit everyday….and lets not forget about the weekends…Whew….Since the area is party central…The one night stands pouring out the front door Sat/Sun morn, lets Me know the Free Clinic has extended hours Fo~Sho! Aside from the building, the community is great…there are a ton of gays and gay wannabe’s….mass Hipsters (They were New Wavers in the 80’s)…and transplants from all over. Most of them seem to be from the E. Coast….and Definitly one ugly Bitch from L.A. ( no Diggity!!) ….anyways We’ll get back to her and ugly dog. Since the cop Shop is near…we are pretty safe from the violent crazy type…..which leaves room for the other types of crazy to creep in. I call them “Twirly” or “crazy trains”…:for example:  “Girl, Crazy train showed this morning, and got Hella Twirly about Us being out of Sugar Free Kiwi”    I know it maybe a lil hard to follow right now…however stay posted and You’ll get it. All I can say for now is that….I think this is the start of Sump’n Rally Bad. Me thinks…..Well We will have to look forward to what Wednesday brings. I hope so juicy juice for You readers. Maybe I will tell You who is preggo’s…Who is in the closet ( no its not the wine guy )…and Who has Herpes. Til then Mooches Bitches.

Say its only a Paper Moon

 

~I wish I could tell this tale… and have it be fiction. -However the events are recounted in exact detail…and in my showers benediction – I wish this had happened to another or no-one at all…I wish, I wish…but the facts I could never recall.- The Dames were pent up…and for top $ you can stay… fast lips… cheap hips …and a slogan… “MELT your cares away”. -Paper Moon Hotel …home for the heated…no credit given…no integrity needed.-Mobsters-Flappers-GumShoes attend….some stay for a while….some dont know when- to say when -I have been walking this beat …since 31… and have heard the rumors ….and they continue to come.- What happens up there… I wonder and stare….the delicate playground of ivory and  red hair. -Girls from Egypt to Brazil have come here to play..buxum bodies and souls… for the right pay.- Opulance and discretion are offered to most…such is the Law in the Hotel ..and in Her Host.-Portia Devoux owned and operated this Gem…enticing the rich… and educating the fem. -A price no object girl …with millions to spare… 100% Fever …Fiery  blue eyes … Flaming red hair.

~PAP ! PAP! PAP!…Shots rang out…footsteps everywhere, and girls beginning to shout.-Only one place that  hot …and Im always ready…. on a saturday night…looking for trouble…gritty and sweaty.-2 blocks away.. and if I tried I might..solve a crime… or make some wrong outta right.- Blocks seemed like miles…so miles I had to run…Hand on my holster and on the other for fun. -Oh those girls drove men to break the laws…gripping our slacks….and dropping our jaws.-Lips so luscious , ruby red and wet…My chest is heaving and I am covered in sweat- Running so fast my heart is about to give way….I hoped to the heavens the girls were okay-3 Blocks to go …more shots rang out…1 city block left…gone were the fantasies and doubt.-Just steps away I try to striden my pace..throbbing with anticipation…to get a look at  that  face.-I round the corner of 3rd and Main….hat and  jacket heavy with rain.- The lamp-post brings into sight, what has happened tonight….all that was wrong could never be right.-Mobster-  “M. Harkus” he was the one… and standing  from 10 feet …Queen of the night Devoux with a gun.  -The boys in blue have been hot on His trail…. Gambling, extortion, murder and betrayel.-Now the  M. Harkus case was put to rest…I have some questions for her…and I hope I’m hard pressed.  I had ideas of lust and sin…  if I had to I’d borrow and beg… I’d lie to win…I’d torture a preacher with stories and lies just to smell her perfume and to lay in her thighs.

Ms Devoux was turning her gaze as if to go inside…hips firmly taught ….my eyes opened wide.-Up the stairs I followed hoping my lips to be her charms…with lies to keep her close…laying naked in my arms.-Paper Moons lobby was filled with dames for a trick….she approached me with her statement and  my anticipation was  thick…Gripped my torso and shut the door with a stiletto “Click”  -Eye to eye… across a pool table we strolled…waiting for a truth …or a  lie to be told.-We stopped in the front window and she laid on the chaise…I thought a confession… and the rest is a haze.-I woke up the next morning  with note at my door..”Thank you for not turning me into the Feds, or into a whore”-It wasnt a dream or am I still dreaming…I ran a hot bath… now my apartment is steaming.- I shave… have a brush..ahh my head is a mess….I need to lather up my body… and unload some stress.- My bathroom mirror had evidence that I wasnt sick…..lipstick traces from my neck….on my chest…all  the way down to my dick.   8 am… got my Gat and my coat….reach for a smoke  and pull out a note… “My body was my confession and you held every word…Paper Moons always open ….to Sgt. C. Bradford.-I hope I see you soon I hope you come quick …and thanks for Getting me off… the hook that is…You are my Private Dick….Love Portia

Robin Leventhal the Sarah Palin of Top Chef

~Honestly Robin……I have had the pleasure of watching You crash and Burn twice now. Once  2 doors down (in that ShitHole infested with bad service and rats…) and now on the Tele. I hope when I show up at SeaSound lounge [if you till have a job after tonights episode…lol] or The Sizzler….or where ever the shit  Grandma Top Chefs go……anyway…I hope You dont serve Me some rotten Prawns or Bland everything You make……just stick to salads or $20 BlowJobs at the Merc or any  other place that serves 50 year old goth wannabe’s…..Lol….just joking….Go Robin!

TrueBlog Halloween

~So its another weekend here in Vampire Village…(if I didnt have My blog I would just kill everyone here…. except for Sam!!!)…..This is supposed to be a special weekend….Halloween fell on a Saturday (today) this year and this entire town is going B-a-n-a-n-a-s like Gwen Stefani because some “new girl” is in town….and its Halloweeny Spooky everywhere. Its about 10 am and I just got to work. Sam is busy putting miniature pumpkins on all the tables…(in those Tom Wopat style yummy jeans)…Hoyt is working in His Coloring Book…Tera is all kinds Bug Eyed on the Bar phone trying to get a GED …I see this and I just know its gonna be a long day….I go back to the Walk In freezer to spark a J…I mean grab some butter…. and I run into Sookie and Bill smearing sunscreen all over each others faces…Sookie says “Hi!!” and starts blabbering  on and on about some new girl at the Wal-Mart…I quickly slam the door and head out back by the dumpsters to have a smoke with Arlene….She is in Her best Peg Bundy gear and ready to “shake Her hips and make some tips”…as She puts it….Ms. Bundy pipes up “so are You training the new girl?” ….I was very unaware that We had hired anyone…..(Cuz I am the NEW SHIFT LEADER TA-DA!!!)….so… super P-O’d….I run inside to find Sam…..He was not in the dining room or His office…..so I run to the kitchen…. and see Lafayette teaching the Mexican dishwasher the Electric Slide….I ask if He has seen Sam…He says…”Naahhhh Babay”….and goes back to His choreography…….Just then Tera rounds the corner and says something in Her HillBilly Jive…..I flip the Bird and  blow past Her and run into a creamy, greasy faced Sookie….She says …”stay out of the Walk In, cause Bill’s taking a nap”….(at this point I realized its time to get another job and go check Bills pockets for cash)….I ask Her if She has seen Sam….She says through Her Gap’d Tooth Grill  “He was headed out the front door on His way home for more puN’kins ” ….I run out to the parking lot and cant find Him (or those jeans) anywhere…so this is the perfect time for a smokey trick or treat and check My Iphone for any FaceBook updates….I reach for My lighter when it Happens…”do You have a light?”  I hear over My shoulder….I turn and encounter Her…. 6 feet of Goth Red Head Sexyness….It was like Robert Smith and Jessica Rabbit…’You know’….and then had a Baby….(Those Merlotte girls are gonna eat Their aprons… even Lafayette)….I say “sure, here You go”….”My name is Gayzel….I am the Shift Leader”….She says “Nice to meet You, I’m Kris, Kris Bradley….I am the new girl”….Well there it was….I had met the new girl er’bod was talking about…(My work was cut out for Me….I could smell a lil Vokda on Her and Her LOOOONG Skirt was tucked into the back of Her panty hose)…after Our smokes…I told Her to put Her hair in a Ponytail…(exercising My keen Shift Leading Skillz).. .and then We headed in for a lil training….I was going to give Her a tour of Merlottes….When Hoyt came up and asked Me if I would change His diaper….Kris quickly grabbed My hand and We were instantly in the walk in freezer…(Bill still asleep with only 3 dollars in His wallet)…I said “Nooooooo WAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!” …Kris said….”Yeah….I am a time shifter”….I didnt care…I had to remind Her Who ‘s the Boss… I was a shift leader (not Tony Danza) and She needed to keep Her powers to Herself…..and clock in on time…then I showed Her the time card machine. ….about this time everyone was hard at work…Tera and the dishwasher were busy learning Russian from cassette tapes in the dishpit….Lafayette was busy helping Hoyt in the mens room and Sookie was out in the dining room filling salt and pepper shakers and pretending to be Juliette Lewis or Jerry Lewis or Emanuel Lewis I dont care…….thats when the lunch rush started. Sam still wasnt back, and the Shop was filling up…Lafayette was up to His shoulder pads in fried baskets of fried things ….Sookie and Tera both had to tend bar and valet cars and work coat check….So Arlene Myself and Kris were stuck with about 12 tables each….Slammed Arlene was totally in the weeds cursing and spitting … and I was just managing (like all the great shift leaders before Me)……Kris walks up to Me and ask’s  if I needed any help….”PPPPPPuuuuleeeessseeee New Girl !!!!”  …I thought…..I take one look at Her section and They are all dialed in…..smiling guests….check books all changed and tables bussed….Kris says “I told You….I am a time shifter”…….I screamed “I am the Shift Leader”…..right as the words came out of My mouth…Sam walked in the door (in those jeans You like….mmm hmmm)….”Gayzel Whats going on?!!!”

~OK………Here is where I get a lil lost …At this point all My memory is a blur….all I remember is Grabbing this Tall Drink of New Girl by Her red ponytail and dragging Her with Me to the back room to write Her up for using Her powers during Her shift and keeping My lighter. Then I blacked out…When I came to…Kris was standing over Me with a skillet and Sam  was tied up in His office chair with only His boxers on and a miniature puN’kin in His mouth….(I know huh?!!!)… I looked out the office window and saw the entire staff laughing and getting ready to go home…(How long was I out for I thought)….Kris speaks in an Evil voice like Darth Vadar….with a sprinkle of Cookie Monster…..”6 hours Gayzel”….”You have been out for 6 hours”..(and I was all “whoooaaaa get outta My head Lady”)…”HALLOWEEN IS  OVER GAYZEL! “…..and then She says …”AND SO IS YOUR BLOG.”

Top 10 Mens Fashion Tips.

 

 The only thing worse than being “Broke as a Joke” is looking like You are.

Gayzel.

 

#10   Oxford with Stamping/Rhinestone/Patchwork are for years 18 and younger. These shirts have about 2 minutes of Fame left for adults. Purchasing 3 of these adds up to 1 really well fitted Oxford at Barneys. Avoid the impulse/trendy buys.

#9  Tattered belts with too much or too little slack are and easy way to appear cheap.  Belts should always close on the 3rd or 4th hole. Making another hole with a Kitchen knife is not the solution. (lift Your belt higher into
Your softer waist area til You can buy a better one)

#8  Hats- Hats should never be worn unless on vacation or a party. (large straw ones on Vacation are perfect….as for parties…anything goes.)

#7  Bushy uneven sideburns.  (if Your sideburns are unkept, the World knows You have a Bushy Banana Hammock) If You have a great relationship with Your barber, They will clean You up for cheap. In a pinch You can use a little facial lotion and a blow dryer to calm Them down for a night out on town. (same goes for eyebrows)

#6  Tight T-Shirts are a No-No. (the buffer You are the Gayer You look. People can tell if You have a nice body from form fitting shoulders and a slim waist…..if You dont have a nice body…..wear a T shirt that is tight in the shoulders and loose along the torso)

#5  Shoes should always look expensive. Make sure to have clean soles and brushed tops. (For a quick fix, You can rub Olive Oil into the Leather for a fast shine. For cheaper shoes, outline the soles with a black  Sharpie to hide wear and Fo Sho use some Olive Oil on trouble spots.)

#4  Pant Length should break right over the clasp or lace portion of shoe. The only exception are Jeans. Jeans should puddle around shoe or boot. Jeans that puddle should only be able to be rolled twice…..once shows the seam and 3 looks bulky. (When cuffed properly, there will be a slant starting from the break to the bottom of heel.  The heel should not be visible……this is a great way to wear a tall boot/shoe to gain height and hide Your lift)

#3  Iron everthing everyone is going to see. Forgotten collars and crinkled sleeves make You look very unpolished. People pick up on the small things. (If  You have little time, just iron Your sleeves and collar and then throw on a sweater vest)

#2  Crumpled cash is a problem for You and the clerk smoothing it out. Always keep Your money presentable. A High end wallet will stand the test of time. (if You are a penny pincher, put it on Your B-Day list and make Your friends get You one) There is one a way to skirt the wallet situation. Money clips. They are timeless. Make Sure to only have Your initials on it for decoration, anything else says Your trying to draw attention to Yourself. ( Tiffany or Cartier offer Clips for around $100.00)

#1 Man Scent. Enough said.  Its Your SIGNATURE. Always wear the same cologne  sparingly. It should be worn in 2 places, first applied under Your nose and chin to remind You that You are on stage and ALWAYS spritz into the back of Your neck hairline. The oils from Your hair will retain to cologne and release as Your Collar or hands rub against/through Your hair. Those of You Who choose to wear  a shaved scalp, still apply to neckline and let Your collar do all the work.  (If You dont like wearing a scent, take some fresh ground black pepper, and Your favorite bath soap and wash Your shoulders, chest and neck line before a night on the town.  The more expensive and popular scents are developed with Black Pepper)

True Blog Gayzel

~So I just landed this gig waiting  tables at this shithole named Merlottes in Baton.    (Still dodging the Taliban)   If this economy doesnt pick up I am gonna kill Myself working with these inbread Twilight mofo’s. The only redeeming thing about this place is the owner. His name is Sam and He fills out a pair of jeans better than a Duke Boy……(TOM WHAOOOOOPAT  MM MMM)..when He was reading My application and handing Me My W-2 packet I saw inside His plaid western style shirt…..(K Marche’)….thick brown and gold chest hair, feathering across His pecs and eventually circling around large pink nipples that seemed to fade into His tan chest and golden hair…I knew then this wasnt such a bad place after all….(He was like a Gay Jesus)…not to mention that Fat Ass of His…so He leans  on His desk and shakes My hand “When can You Start”…..15 minutes later I was in an apron following His tight Wranglers from the Dish pit to the dining room….all was going great until these 2 bitches showed up…can You guess?…ummmm    Vampires, Shape Shifters and $20 Truck Stop Blowjobs can only mean one thing…You guessed it Sookie Stackhouse….and Tara the Hott Black Girl…..Sookie…  gap’d tooth hillbilly is just a stones throw away from turning into Juliette Lewis….She does bring a homey underdog vibe to Merlottes….serving the usual southern fair….fried everything…. and beer….when She isnt carrying pitchers of Coors across Her FlapJack Titties…She can be found hanging behind the bar with Her mind reading self and Tara Who is clearly Outta Her Mind. Tara is a stunning Ebony beauty…..sexy tight bod….long braided ringlets….full moist lips and hips that dont lie…(Shakira Shakira!)…..Her only deal breaker is Her mouth….Her accent is so thick and undeveloped…there were reports of Deaf People two towns over with busted ear drums….Its a Good thing Sookie can read minds cause She fo sho can understand what Tara is saying….So these two dipshitz get to hang out all night in the Boars Nest meets TGIFridays….waiting for MayBerry  to come in….All the while people are dying all over town  and nobody cares  ….cool….maybe some hot guys will show up soon and I can stop watching these two….About 8;30 the place begins to fill up….Our boss Sam walks up and says He just sat 3 peep  s in My section…Sookie pops up in My  face like a zit… and begs to take them….I say ok,  just to be able to step out for a smoke and watch Sams  Ample   Ass bound from side to side as He walked around to the bar area. I step outside and run into Our  lead server…Arlene…She is could pass for Sookies grandmother…..or Peg Bundy  ….all kindsa trashy…She reaches out and introduces Herself and I get a waft of Cigarettes and Ham ….I decided right then and there that all white people are nasty including Tara even though She is  hott and black. So Now that I have met, Sookie-Sam-Tara and Stinky…..I was pondering where Donner and Blitzen were….I finished My smoke and Listened to Stinky go on and on about Frito Pie and Matlock…She put Hers out and dropped  it  into Her purse and smiled at Me while saying “Smokes are getting so expensive…I’ll ReFry this one later”….Refry??….No wonder She smells…Her purse is an Half Smoked Ashtray……So We head in and My section is filling up….I throw a bunch of orders in the window to this Queen Lafayette…..He rocks the socks off this joint …but looks like Woopie Goldberg in The Color Purple…..So I am knee deep in Fried Chicken and Ribs…and in walks Jason …and Hoyt…..I only know there names ‘cuz Sookie shouts it and Tara yells some sort of Pig Snort,Grunt greeting at Them…..These two Dumb Fucks couldn’t even spell Their Own names….Jason orders a full meal deal and some hot wings…Hoyt just orders a pitcher of Beer…..I turn  to grab all this and Arlene’s  coming up behind Me with 2 pitchers of beer…..and a whole lotta red smelly Ham hair…..Whispers in My ear…that They get free beer….Fuck That and Her Red Ass….and Now My cheek smells like ham…that is gonna ruin My  check average and no doubt these Jethros aint gonna tip on the overall bill……I just roll My eyes and continue to wait on My section…..The place is in full swing…Sam is bartending…..Tara is all bug eyed and finger wagging at some drunk frat boys…Sookie is trying to open beer bottles with Her Tooth       ap….Lafayette is churning out food like a maniac while singing I will Survive and Put a Ring on It….Jason and Hoyt are having the “would You do Me if You were gay” talk that all drunk ClampetAssMotherFuckers have….and I am just wondering whats gonna happen next…Bigger than Shit the front door opens and this Huge Baby Huey shouts   “Sam…Theres one of Those kinds coming in”…I said shut Up….I am already in Here ….and dont call Me those kinds…the term is Homosexual….Sam shoots Me a smile  and says “Back in Your section Gayzel”……Arlene-Sookie-Tara are all lined up against the Kitchen window like The 3 Stooges in Drag…..So I walked up and asked Them Who the Enormous Town Crier was…..Tara was the first to answer….however I couldn’t  understand a word she said…so….I turned to Sookie and She was trying to read Tara’s mind….So Big Red was My only choice ….so I left……..and  back into My section to drop off checks and hit the bar to have a shift drink poured by My hottass boss when Baby Huey sits in My section….fuck that….I run up to the 3 blind mice and ask Sookie to take My section……She is still busy staring at Tara’s forhead…and Tara is listening to Arlene talk about Frito Pies…..Lafayette has just started the electric slide with the Mexican dishwasher and a Jar of Mayo….when I realize I am really on My own….I turn to go help this fat bastard and thats when It happened…..I saw God…actully pretty close…Sam was walking my way….shoulders back…thick thighs rubbing….zipper buldging….KMart paid shirt tucked in showing off that massive chest.(all golden and hairy ….rem’ber?)….ok I need a sec…so …ok…Gods walking my way…Sookie Tara and Stupid are behind Me and Sam walks up and says..”Cash out Gayzel”…..Sookie…You take Dectective BelFluer….I went thru all that just to find out this fat ass is a GumShoe…..Fawk yeah I needed to cash out…..So sookie Skips like an injured 3rd grader over to Detective BelWhoEver……Peg Bundy steps out for a ReFry and Lafayette stopped dancing long enough to do a costume change…and of Course Tara was teaching American Sign Language to the dishwasher…….So I am at the bar doing My cash drop and about to sip a beer Sam the Unicorn just poured Me……..Sam pipes up….with a huge smile…staring at my mouth….”Gayzel….can I ask You a question”…..licks His lips and leans over My beer…mmmmm…..I was so caught up in watching His veiny hairy Man hands clean……I was caught of gaurd….I heard it and put My beer down and was ready to answer a sexy “yeah Boss”……When the front door opened and the dining room and bar went silent….every person in the joint was jaw dropped and staring at the tall…Handsome….(Clint EastWood back in the day type or Maybe any of the Broke Back Guys) man standing at the door….He walked from the front door to the bar….(Slowly like a tiger or Clint Eastwood with one Sleepy Leg)       Sam touched My Cheek and said…. “Gayzel take over”..Well dude was cute so I said “k boss”…..and Sam bounced faster than a runaway slave…….So the entire place is silent…..I go over to the Juke Box…..Put on some Sheila E…..(Lafayette lets out a Hey Gurl from way back in the Kitchen)……Eyes are all on Me and this tall dark man…I am behind the bar shaking My  ass the to  The Glamourous Life   when Tall Sexy sits down …..Thin face….rich blue black hair…..long long eyelashes frame out the icey blue eyes I  had never seen….I noticed He wasnt from around here…only because I shop at Barneys too…..His outfit was an infit….tailored Prada Jacket….flatfront Dolce trousers…and a Crisp Oxford loosely buttoned….showing off   His strong jaw….His Adams apple slowly dancing up and down as He breathed and licked His lips…..looking at Our  bar menu  ..while I was studying His symphony of breathing and trying to imagine Him and Sam getting it on….He gently lays the menu down and says “Hi Again …. Gayzel……May I have a True Blood”    Ok  First of All….    I have slept with a ton of peeps but this Guy….I would Rem’ber…..and on the Duce…..I dont know what the Fuck a True Blood is…..so I made Him a MoJito and threw up a Peace Sign.

 

 

“Kisses Silvermoon”

 

 

 

stay tuned for more….TruBlog

Gayzel got a Promotion!!!

Ok…its been a while…..(Obama is My excuse…now what?….its a BLACK THANG!!!)..alot of stuff has gone dizzle….for starters Samiir (Taliban turn Cafe Owner) and Shaneekwa (Bad Ass Russian Who hates Me)  finally had a baby  and the shit hit the fan..(It wasnt hairy and didnt have a dot on Its head….damn damn damn!)……It was super boootimous…..It came out half Black and half Russian….It kinda looked like Me…..(not like George Michael)….but all caramely…..and Samiir was in deep shit with His Mom….(She made some joke about the baby being to Lazy to stand in line for bread)…so These two moved far away to Tacoma and now My Boss is Samiir older Brother…Shazad….He is a total 180 of Sammi…..He looks like a Greek God ….(6.2)…..Stronge jaw…Black Hair..(brown sun kissed highlights)…Grey Eyes…a bod that wont stop and super tailored clothes..(shows the Junk ….front to back!)…His only flaw is dating trashy white girls….so…when the switch happened I was on My game….(like Chris Brown on Rhianna’s Face) …I showed up early…(not like a Mexican)…washed My hands after using the bathroom…(not like I used to do)…and started to wear underwear….(Lindsey that was for You)…Jesus must have noticed cuz now I am shift leader….My only down fall is Shaneekwa’s cousin Leroy was My new employee….Leroy is Russian aswell …and about 21 and looks like gap’d tooth Miley Cyrus….(Miley…..Hannah is so much Cuter!!)….I know very cute…so this lil bitch shows up late today….and I am slammed with regulars…..so I dont have time to train Her ass….so She walks behind the counter and says Hi I am…….I say….”LEROY” .. I know….”Leroy!!! run this mocha out to the fat ass on the patio…and then come back and take these bagels to the dikes in the loft…..and after that put on some make up”…..about 3 minutes later She is back in My …(MD SKIN”D CARE) face asking whats next….I let Her know being fast and good at what You do is a great way to get fired and sent back to Russia…(I am protecting Our counrty at this point)…Her eyes got  really wide as if to say “teach Me everything You know Frosted Barista God”….So I quickly showed Her the dish pit….and let Her know that is where She should run if the Feds come looking and also instituted a code word so She can run back there in a jiffy….”Jewish Pork Sandwich”…We practiced while all the college kids were online……She was on it like a runaway slave….after this Cafe excercise She was ready to make drinks…..We headed back to the Coffee Bar….When the Triple Threat walked in….Pradia-Jasmina-and Azeema…My Lil Sisters….actually Azeema, the saneist is Mine the other 2 are cousins…..It was like SuperModel Olson Triplets From The Caspian Sea….Total Arab Princess’ with cream colored skirt suits…tons of matching chain jewelry and huge Chanel bags and sunglasses the size of Hummer WindSheilds……I thought oh FUCK!…..I forgot Her graduation present….so My steel trap mind was on it!!! I screamed “Jewish Pork Sandwich”…Leroy ran to the dishpit (like a dipshit) and I grabbed the cafe deposite and shoved it in a donut bag and handed it to Azeema…She said “Thanks Barx..and then They all ordered Starbucks SOY Chai’s…(I actually think -They think- I work at a STARBUCKS )…..so They all got Vanilla Lattes……They went outside and ignored each other til 3 different town cars showed up and took Them all away…..(to Their dorms or the Mall…but probably to the same Party)…I totally forgot about Leroy and told Her to come out…..(the floors needed scrubbing)…I shouted about 20 times before I went back to get Her out….and look at the ROTC go jogging across the street…Then I decided to go get Her…..after I wrote My number on the outside sandwich board…..I walked back in banging My hips from side to side…J-Lo woulda cried and J-Z woulda dubbed it…..and FoSho Beyonce would have put a Ring on IT!!!….I open the door and saw Shazad with His hands all over Her (My Russian lap Dog)  like a China Man on a RickShaw……Jesus help us!!!  Its Samiir all over again! 

 (stay tuned for what happened next….lets Just say…..Shazad was naked…..Leroy ends up in Jail…..Gayzel gets to date a Pilot…and the triple threat gets down graded to the Jonas Brothers…….Thanks for Reading…(You sad sad bitches)..Much Much Gayzel!

Samiir…. My boss

~Ok so its mid week (Thursday).. ..at the local High End (mainly alot of drapes and mirrors and other Faggy Shit) Cafe, and My boss is late…..(That Curried/Hairy/Jaguar Driving/ Terrorist Asshole Samiir)..the place is filling up and I need a bunch of shit..like a third arm or a magic wand…and no doubt a Midget on a Stick…..So about 100 lattes deep I notice the 2nd shift person “Shaneekwa” is running late…..(That Fat Ass Russian better get here soon)..so I text Her Commi ass and say there is a care package from Moscow here for her…..She immediatly hits me back with “I will be soon”…Like I give a shit….and that doesnt even make sense….just as I get her text…the cafe regulars settle in…the Diamond  Cutter is hanging around some twinki in sweat pants and obviously no undies…..(yeah…FoSho!)…the dead beat dad is doing the Str8 version of this with some creepy goth chick….and of course the insanely wealthy Asian Ladies are sipping green tea and digging in their enormous luxury handbags…..and last but not least the WhiteSheDevil is cruis’n the new UPS dude….all 6.4 and from Africa…GO OBAMA!!!!!….so now that everyone is got their swah’erve on I can begin to clean up, and get ready for lunch and that late Russian Hippo to show up and  to destroy my working environment…. So as I start the usual stuff…You know…stealing quarters……putting ham on Vegan sandwiches…and hanging out on myspace….Shaneekwa finally shows up….(all 300 pregnant pounds of Her)…..She puts out Her smoke and pops a piece of gum or borscht into Her fat face..and opens the front door screaming Hello Gayzel……I just roll my eyes and point her to the dish pit…just then, Samiir walks in with a crate of wine and some togo containers and a few sleeves of cups piled on his chest….I quickly run out back for a smoke break..avoiding eye contact…as I run thru the dish pit I smack the Huski Ruski and her ample ass and say Her Mom is on the phone. She rushes out running into Samiir…(belly first)…They Kiss and My Butt begins to vomit in my shorts…These 2 have been at it for a longtime…infact She’s gonna Shit out a Hairy Lil HalfLing baby anyday now….I must have been gone for about an hour….just walking around the park watching the ROTC jogging..(MMMM SOOKIE SOOKIE)..but when I got back the shoppe the lunch crowd was in full swing…Samiir was throwing plates like frisbees and Shaneekwa was knee deep with 10 tables with only water and empty bread baskets….as I slinked over to the hostess stand to put on my apron… a plate of bruscetta sailed past my fluffy highlights…turns out Samiir wanted to see Me….I  quickly picked up the pieces of broken China and hurled it back at him…..then I proceeded to collect all the bread baskets and fill them and rewater all the tables…..a few moments later all this food came up and I just told Er’Bod to come up and grab what they thought was theirs….I am a Saint…by this time Samiir was in His office making some calls to food suppliers…(or The Taliban)…and It was time to drop off guest checks…..I had to send Shaneekwa back to the dish pit…so I could Void all the cash tickets and keep Them for My own…so with The Boss and His bitch tucked away…I was able to make $485.75 from My 4 table section….This is My stimulous package…(actually My stimulous Package is in My pants)… About 10 minutes left in My shift now….so hopefully nobody comes in…so I can finish some other shit on this iphone …head out early..and hit up that new Pho Noodle Soup (the only good thing to come outta Vietnam next to happy endings) joint on the way home…..Super Hot Str8 boy  Jeremy(I’m gonna brush up against Him in dry storage) should be in soon and I will make Him sign and drop off the deposite….and then head out. Tommorow is Friday, so maybe things will go smoother….if not I am gonna go apply at the Parks Department to help out the ROTC.

A Seattle Santa Wish List

Dear Santa,

~I wanted to ask for a few things to make a better world for everyone this Holiday..even the Jews and Muslims…but not the Morman’s….fuck Them…..So…. I need Your sweaty, overweight help to grant some wishes…..please give all the Asians free defensive driving courses or cars made out of  ‘ Nerf  ‘….and give all the cab drivers new Turbans and air freshners….I think the Black people are great for a while with the whole Obama thing and all …..so…maybe… give Them all play stations…and for all the Whitey’s out there…I will save you a ton of shopping…They love free t shirts…mainly ones with beer slogans or kittens…if that too hard for You..lose some weight…then…..get Them all Best Buy debit cards…They love The Best Buy..and last but not least give the Gays proposition 8 back…or make Tom Cruise come outta the closet ..either way…this is out of control…..then maybe in a few years My Jack Russells can get hitched….I think this takes  care of the masses…so for specifics….I would like to start with My boss and His ugly ass Russian girlfriend…please give Them some Valtrex for Their scabby lips and other parts..and if possible have Her deported…actually He is an Arab…have Them both outta here….(maybe after payday though)….also while You are at the building…please send the condo Pres. a huge bag of flaming Elf shit….after that be sure to stop by Scotts….while You are there…bend Him over Your chubby knee and spank that ass!!!! (He will actually be waiting up for You)….and Give the Gay wine guy some SlimFast and some sports bras…..now that should take care of naughties…except for Pres Bush…and I dont even wanna touch that one….maybe give Him K-Fed as a son in law….I dont give a fuck really….so now for the nice….please make sure to give the Original White Shedevil somemore Acne and some Spinner Rims (trust!)…and for My other GF..Cameron Diaz….dont give Her a FaWkIng thing til She returns My Ipod….I know You will be visiting My lil Sis….please give Her all the Answers to Her Finals and acceptance into th U-Dub medical program…and if You have time…a new flat iron and a Prada weekender…She travels alot…..while You are down in Cali…stop By My crazy Aunts and drop off a lil eyeliner and a garlic press….OH!!!.. and before You leave …slap an Obama bumper sticker on Her Magic Carpet (the Silver Mercedes in the Garage)…by this time You should be headed back up north passing over again..(be sure to bypass all of Oregon)…..My townhouse and all My friends places  are  right off of I-5……so make sure to drop off a redhead blow up sex doll off at Kurt Pfeifer’s house ..(He lives on Fir Ave)….and a Suave Skin Care gift basket off at Sharons….(She loves shopping at WalGreens for skincare)…A Dime Bag and Semi Automatic for My buddy “Chocolate Bear”….scratch that ..just give Him the gun…and then give Ryan the bag of pot…Yeah give Ryan some weed……..He stays in the Hill by Amazon.com too….While You are up there….drop off some Chopstix and Wok to My best friend Kneelio….trust FatMan….(He will like Them)……I actually live really close so You can feed Alec Baldwin a roofie and some Gin…. then put Him in My bed ….naked….then turn on the  Nanny cam I have set up…..(I’ll take over from there thanks)….I will be leaving You and Your lard bottom some Curry and Rice in the fridge….and make sure You turn the lights out! I need You to stick around the area for a bit and set My brothers car on fire…..or leave Him some Rogaine…I am fine either way…I know You are gonna be super busy….so I think thats about it….If You and Your FatAss happen around NY….please send all the 911 families tons of Love and Fortune…and while Your at it….stop off at Barneys and grab Me a Gift Certificate….Also drop off some crazy Wiccan books or wacky John Hughs movies of at the Bradley House in Jersey..its the house with a small petting zoo..I will be working late for Samiir… so I wont be able to text Your Ample Ass…so maybe Sleepy or Sneezy or any of those other lil’ QueerBo’s can print this out for You…just a thought…oh I almost forgot!!!! For all the cafe customers….Santa…please give Them job security and for those Who dont…find Them a Job….Yep I think thats gonna do it…if anything comes up try to Myspace Me ok?….also try to sneak Me a few itune cards (I love Them shits.) Ok I’ll  be in touch as the big day get nearer….and leave   Your damn  phone on! …ok…so later masterbator! Gayzel