Shaneekwa the Russian Barista
~Well this potato peeling Russian girl (Shaneekwa) had a Major Blowout with The Curry King,(My Boss) Samiir today.(turns out He was Making TanDoori Coochi With MS. Moscow….and it wont be ready for 9 months……EEEEEEW SICK!!!!) But this crazy bitch told Me this Shit a week ago when I called her Fat….. Here is How the Shit went down…I was about 10 minutes behind (more like 45 min) trying to find parking in this ultra Chic village where My coffee Job is and… WaMu Aint anymore…some JP Morgan take over or whatever….anywayz…. But You know all this shit by now….So anywayz again…….as I find a parking spot I notice My Boss and The Huski Ruskie outside leaning on His piece’o shit Jaguar (still all keyed up by Yours truely) having a smoke together….I also notice the cafe is full….so I walk up and ask “Who is watching the cafe?” Samirr says…”It should Be You, You late” Well… I was well aware of the fact that I was late, and was going to get written up…. so I needed a great lie to tell to this Taliban MF….I quickly pipe up…”Shaneekwa…said I could come in late if She could leave early for a trip to the free clinic” (not an Abortion clinic all You Palin supporters……Fuckers!) Both of Them quickly turned and stared at each Other. This was amazing on My part…not to save My job as much as I was doing Gods work and Society a favor.(Who wants to see a Hairy baby with a Dot on its forehead?)…SO!
…. As I begin My shift, I slice a ton of Fresh Banana Bread Shaneekwa baked, and as I take it to the display case …..I trip over a wine crate and ditch all the slices into the compost bucket….FAWK FAWK FAWK!!!…They were still outside, so I had time to pull each piece out and put Them on a new plate..(and brush off the egg shells and chicken skin)…..and…. as compensation for saving the banana bread profits, one free Bottle of wine that caused this disaster (Where is My backpack? I thought)…… So minutes later I was in My apron, helping dozens of coffee drinkers, students, assholes and soccer moms…and the last 2 are interchangeable. (I know its wrong to call a soccer mom an asshole)…So.. In this Mix of MeerKats and Peacocks…I helped My Fav regulars…There was The Green Eyed monster with Her Quad Latte and no Bra wearing self…The Hott Tattooed slacker Who’s smile could make an Angel cry….The Microsoft Millionare that blushes when I ask Him if He wants a Hot one…..Then there was My fellow barista turned Social Outreach and Her Titti Shirt…..Its working, apparently Mack’n on Some outta town Dude……And then there were the Cafe DipShitz…Double Cafe Breve’ for the walking Heart Attack(clearly a Belushi)….Short Black tea for Mr. Herpy Lip.(damn Ha is still cute……What!???)….White Choc Mocha for ….Mr. Vanilla Ice/Slim Shadey…with His blonde hair and droopy Jeans and boxers hanging out(why dont the police harass Him so He can really feel like a person of color?)…Crazy Asian Lady with way too much money…. who thinks this is a Starbucks….”No We dont Make BaNirra Rattays…However Our -Vanilla Lattes- are Deelish”… She just giggles…behind Her Diamond incrusted silky soft hand..Then of course DeadBeat Dad comes in with His dirty children…2 boys with filthy jeans and dirty shoes…He orders a Tall Americano…and nothing for these mongrels….RUDE RUDE RUDE!!! Even though They look like Chaka from Land of the Lost…They still need to eat….so when He is fixing His drink I give them both some banana bread. ..Again doing Gods work….Things slow down and I begin to get ready for lunch…..filling all the coffee pots with Decaf and toasting all of the stale bread for paninis….combine the trash and recycling and head out for the dumpsters….Shaneekwa and The Sheik are still at it …so I shout….”I am taking the trash out ” Shaneekwa is too busy crying and My boss the Just waves Hello like He is in a parade or some shit…Well I then got pissed and thought… Fuck You 2 and Your baby having selves….I then Shouted “Health Department and I am on a Smoke Break” Well Samiir heard that and ran inside like a runaway slave… and Shaneekwa sat on the Boss’s Whisper Jet Jaguar just sobbing like a gay republican…Now I have a heart…So I went over and sat quietly next to My Frien~amy and offered Her a smoke……She gladly took one…broke off the butt, and went to town old school/buttless drags…I had to get out of the way cuz it was too smokey (I have new highlights)and the Boss was coming out shaking His head saying “Where They GO?” I said “I dunno, ….plus… I have dishes to wash” I rushed in ….and My Big Russian Baby Factory followed behind thru the cafe…sobbing and smoking….when We reached behind Our counter I noticed this Bitch and the smoke and smell…l and quickly slapped it out of Her mouth (My highlights cant be washed for 2 days and I gotta movie to see tonight)…..Right around this time the Lunch regulars were headed in ….We sold outta soup and sandwiches, and at one point almost coffee beans….But My steel trap mind was on it!!!!…. to save the day I took all the decaf beans and filled the hopper up to the tip top….Shaneekwa was a total mess the whole time, so I took all the tables while She washed dishes like a Hairy Cinderella…..The owner showed up after the Slam with a Bag from Nordtstrom and some wine from that Gay Bear at the Wine Shoppe…..walked up to Shaneekwa and then took Her into the office….So Guess Who had to finish the dishes? The Gayzel!!!!!!…..aint that a bitch…..By this time the New evening Barista was coming on, and I told Him/Her (We’ll call Him Clooney cuz He maybe GAY!) the truth….I said.. ”Shaneekwa will be staying late to train You….Samiir wants You to finish these dishes while He has a 1 on 1 with Shaneekwa” (pretty sure His 1 on 1 started this mess)….He said “ok Cool”…but actually ment….”You look ravishing Gayzel”…So I said..”Its been a very easy day and I saved You some Banana bread.”… He made a Chai had 2 slices of bread and headed into the Dish Pit…..I had to hit the bricks soon cuz there was a pre screening of ‘SEX and the City’ (I hope Miranda plays a Mime, or a jar of Mayonaise, or a Giant Tree )at a New Leather Bar up the street…So I cleaned out the tip jar (since The crybaby washed dishes all day) and hung up My apron and changed into My new Low Slung, waist chopped(Mariah Carey style) AG’s and headed out the door …as soon as I heard Samiirs office door….and as soon as I heard “Gayzel!!!!!”…. the cafe front door closed (No Diggity I am Gangster by this point)….now I am home and sipping some red wine and toasting some Sundried tomato Facoccia….wondering if I have a job….Oh well, atleast I dont work for WaMu …..Like I can even get a checking account LOL!!! Anyways…time to count My money and eat some dinner…Pray I have a Job in the Morn…OK….later bitches, Gayzel
P.S. If You have ever stolen anything, give it back..(like a Kids bike) ..otherwise Karma will get You….I promise…(in a very bad way)…and , So..but not limited to…Dreams of Endlessly giving birth to Skinless Snakes and Frogs.